"I got the time off.....I'm all yours", Mickey texted me. OMG I just melted reading it! Yep, it's true-- Mickey's going to be here in 2 weeks! It doesn't seem real. I don't want to fuck it up or it to go badly like the time I flew 800 miles to see him. He's coming to ME this time!!
I bought his plane ticket last night! I learned what his middle name is and that was sweet. Yes, of course, my hubby knows. I wouldn't see Mickey without his blessing. He knows what Mickey means to me. I look at this as an opportunity to put the past in the past, and maybe forge ahead a new relationship with Mickey. I don't really know what kind of relationship that may be....from the very beginning 4 years ago, when we first spent the night together, all I wanted was a happy little threesome. We both fell in love with him; we both wanted to rescue him, make him happy, be with him. Maybe that's how it'll end up this time. That's what I'd love.
Most women wouldn't have given him this second, third, fourth chance, whatever the hell it is. He's hurt me so many times I've lost count, but I know he's broken my heart twice. He's unreliable, he's secretive, he's a liar, he's a scoundrel (i just love that word) he truly is. I think he's incapable of sustaining anything serious but it's because he's wounded that I feel like I understand, and forgive him. It's the mom in me that wants to nurture him. The lover in me wants to please him.
It's as if I can't remember how hurt I was that day he walked out of the hotel room and left me there, naked on the bed, lying to me about a phone call he was going to make and "be right back". Ironically, it happened to be the day Michael Jackson died (which has absolutely NOTHING at all to do with the story!) I don't know how or why I forgive him, I guess he doesn't really deserve it. But somehow, despite it all, we've stayed in touch, and in 2 weeks he's going to be here.
We've had some interesting conversations....he's actually phoned me several times and a few days ago we talked for nearly 45 min!! A record that's for sure! I don't quite know what's going on with him, but he seems to be opening up to me for the first time. It's sooooo nice to feel like I'm getting to know him. I've always felt that if I knew him better--if some of the mystery was gone, I'd obsess about him less. That I'd be able to see him for who he truly is, not who I want him to be. Mostly we text, but I've actually got a voicemail I've kept, just to hear his sexy voice. Calling is not really his forte; if he can text he'd rather do that. An avoider. So, I've really enjoyed talking to him this last week, arranging plans.
My problem is, I had high expectations when I went to see him a year ago, and things didn't go well. Yeah, we had sex, but it wasn't amazing, it was like we really didn't even click. The truth was, I was sooo excited to see him, I was all nerves. AND I was supremely hung over from bar-hopping with my hubby the night before, waiting endlessly to see Mickey, who never materialized. Sporadic texts throughout the night, claiming one reason and another. I went to bed drunk and horny and mixed up. A midnight text inquiring about an afternoon rendezvous from him, and, of course, all was forgiven.
By the time he showed up, I realized I had only gotten myself physically ready to see him, not emotionally. I looked great--122 pounds, hair recently colored, tan and sexy. He was seeing me at my best.
I really couldn't believe he showed up. There he was at my hotel door. As cute as I'd remembered. Just fucking, smoking hot. Sexy blue eyes, longish black hair, and that smile and dimples. Shit. I was a hungover mess, although in an attractive shell. I look back and realize I set the tone by just standing there.....I was in shock. I opened the door and just stared at him, in disbelief. I should've grabbed him and hugged him and kissed him. Instead, I was shy, self-protective, and uneasy. I sure hope I don't act that way this time.
I'm hoping not to be alone with him this time, maybe if my hubby comes with me to pick him up from the airport it'll be easier. He told me he's old enough to drink now (legally, LOL) and so I want to take him out to talk. Break the ice. I didn't get to do that before. For me, flirting and sipping a drink and feeling the walls come down is great foreplay. I never get enough of those blue eyes and that smile, and sexy voice, I fantasize about sitting across the table from him and just listening to him talk. Watching his mannerisms. That to me is sexy.
Of course I want sex....but I think just as much, I want understanding. I want to know what makes him tick. Why did he leave me like that? I'm going to try not to ask. Cuz when I asked him why he moved away 4 years ago without saying goodbye it made things sooo awkward between us. But I think I get it now....goodbyes are horrendous. I absolutely hate them. They're so uncomfortable.
It's after 2 am and I'm falling asleep. I'm trying to sort out how I feel, and at the same time, try to diet LOL cuz I've gained about 5 pounds and feel insecure at the moment. It doesn't help that B is completely ignoring me now. I'm serious.....after being with B, I was like, "Mickey who??" I felt myself really crushing on him and it felt so good. I was soooo comfortable with him, not second-guessing myself constantly like I do with Mickey. I thought, hmmm, this is soo nice, he's so complimentary, I know he's totally into me, this is sexy and hot and comfortable all at the same time. But it's been a week and nada. Nothing. Zilch. I texted him while I wrote this, "hi sexy", and no response. So I feel crappy about myself cuz I'm not one of his model buddies. I'm not 25, I'm just me. And he liked "just me" for the last 4 months....and I know I was beligerent, texting him drunk. SUCH a bad idea. Damn it! But we still got together, and it was great.
I have to plan for my emotions when Mickey gets here. I want to be cute, I want to be fun and sexy, and I want to be honest. I want HIM to be honest. He's agreed to be my sex slave since we're paying his way out here. I fucking cannot WAIT!!!!!!!!!!