I have so many things I want to say to you I don’t know where to begin, but knowing you may never actually read this or even if you do you’ll never mention it to me makes me not even want to bother giving it to you. Maybe I’ll just write this to get it off my chest.
Do you have any idea how crazy you make me feel? Do you even care? No, you don’t. It’s just same old Mickey, different day, different year. I keep putting up with you but I have no idea why. Why do I love you? Why do I give a fuck about you? You are such an asshole. You really are.
Maybe you think being mysterious is attractive. At first maybe, but jeez, we’ve known each other for 6 years now, and it’s just plain annoying. One minute you’re online IM’ing me “hey sweetheart” and then a few days later you’re incognito, totally blowing me off. WTF??? Why?? I mean, I go from wondering if you’re upset with me to wondering if you’re dead or in jail. One day I’m worried and sad about you and the next I’m a raving lunatic filled with rage.
I really think I’m done with you once and for all now Mickey. I know I’ve said that to myself at least a thousand times, but I really am. You are cruel and you haven’t changed a fucking bit in all this time.
Three days ago we were talking about you moving out here with me. You had a lot of concerns and questions and I wanted you to know that I would do anything for you. Yes, anything. I would move mountain and earth to have you here with me.
I have been wanting to put money in your account for weeks now, ever since you dropped your phone. I always want to help you. The only reason I didn’t is because I worried it would ruin our relationship. I know you don’t feel good taking money from me, and I know you’re capable of solving your own problems. You don’t need handouts from me to make you feel bad about yourself or dependant on me. I totally get that.
What you don’t get is how when a person cares about another person, they are your friend and family. You want to do whatever you can for them--to make them happy. To make their lives more comfortable, to ease their pain, to help them through a hard time. And of course to be there to celebrate when things are going well. I am ALL that for you Mickey. And more.
It seems that whenever we get close, it scares you, and you run away.
I’ve written you so many times and gotten no response from you that I’m just done. I can’t take your games anymore. I used to feel that as long as I had you in my life, however small a part, I was happy. Since you came to visit me, I feel differently. I want all of you, or most of you. I loved hanging out with you, I loved getting to know you, and talking to you and learning all about you. I didn’t like everything I saw, but I liked those parts of you simply because it was YOU. I’m just not content with the crumbs you keep tossing my way Mickey.
Maybe you know you can’t give me more, or don’t want to, and by just disappearing into thin air is your way of sending me the message. Well I hear it, Mickey, loud and clear.
So, are you offline or invisible? Are you trying to tell me to leave you alone? Sure seems that way. Maybe it’s not all about me, I know you have a life, but if you won’t share it with me how the fuck am I supposed to know?? I asked you if you were seeing someone. That went unanswered, as usual. Then I simply said “hi” to you, and you immediately clicked offline and haven’t been on since. How am I not to think it’s a message to me to leave you alone? What gets me is, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE?????????
I also think you’re lying to me about not having a phone. You told me two weeks ago that I "shouldn't even ask" if you had a phone cuz I should know you didn't have the money to replace it. Well, that was two weeks ago. You think I’m so fucking gullible, don’t you? You’re offline cuz you have a phone now. Yes, I tried calling your number, and it’s been disconnected. You told me you change your number all the time so I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ve done. If you have a phone now you don’t need yahoo messenger, and I can’t contact you except by email. Which you probably wouldn’t read anyway. You’d see it was from me and just delete it. By the way, who besides you changes their phone number the way you do? No one. I don’t know anyone who likes to change their phone number. It is so disruptive, and tedious. I think you do that cuz you really don’t have anyone in your life you care about anyway. You are always running away from people who care about you. You get a new number and new people. Throw away everyone who came before and start over. That’s you Mickey.
I ask myself what to do now. Give you the benefit of the doubt and write you? I am tempted of course to do just that because that is what I do with you. That is our relationship. You treat me like shit and I take it. Over and over and over. You give me attention in crumbs and because I love you I live for those crumbs. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like I’d rather not have any of you if I can’t have more.
I’ve taught you how to treat me. I’ve taught you that I’m ok with crumbs and that’s all you have to give me to have me. That’s not really how I feel anymore.
If you’ve met someone, good for you. I want you to be happy. I know I don’t have a future with you, I can’t be everything you need me to be. You're half my age. I know sooner or later it’s gonna happen so maybe you’re doing me a favor by ending things with me now. I just don’t know what things always have to end badly with you. Why can’t you be a man and tell me straight out?
I think it’s cuz you aren’t really certain what you want. If you string me along, you know I’ll be there when you change your mind. Because you will break her heart and everyone else’s, cuz that’s what you do. And I’m always there when you do, and I always take you back.
And maybe I will Mickey, and maybe I won’t. I really can’t take your shit another day. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to play games with you anymore. I just think I’m worth more than that.