Mickey had been acting aloof lately. After yahoo messenging me 8 days in a row, full of sexy talk and feeling like we were really getting along, he disappeared for over a week. I wrote him, "Hey, what's going on? It's been over a week since I heard from you." He responded quickly, within a day I think, saying simply that he hadn't been working much and that he wasn't able to get online to talk to me. Ok, I understand. All was well between us.
Then two days in a row he'd be online for 12 hours straight--he'd be the first to write and say, "hey" and then after I'd respond I wouldn't hear from him again. Two days in a row he did this. Then it was spotty for another couple of days, no real communication.
So......I went looking for trouble and I found it.
Actually, I was just missing him. I was looking for any clues as to his sudden withdrawals. I googled his name and only one connection came up--a Twitter account. Now I had a Twitter account at one time but found it completely nothing more than self-flagellation and promotion, and a complete waste of time, so I had deleted my account. Then I had started a new one a few months ago, feeling like I was missing out on understanding of a new technology and thought I needed it to stay current, although I never tweet much. (I save my "tweets" for Facebook). I didn't have any followers that actually knew me anyways so I hadn't checked it in ages. So......I found his Twitter and his page is completely public!! I was shocked, since his Facebook has always been hidden. (AND might I mention he never accepted, nor ignored, my FB friend request).
So I'm scrolling down, reading his tweets, and I was able to learn a few interesting things about my Mickey and his secret life. He's fucking his old GF again (as in, "I hope you're BALD next time I see you") which made me nearly throw up. He's got a new job, claiming he's working 70 hours a week now. Oh, and he's got a cell phone. Two weeks ago he Tweeted to some girl, "why don't you just text me at blah blah blah blah blah". What did I do with this information??
*I need to stop here and clarify why finding out he had a cell phone incensed me so much. First of all, he has been telling me how he can't afford a phone. He's told me just 2 days before I found this out that "I'm going to get a phone soon so I can send you naked pictures of myself for you." Ok? That and he has led me to believe that the only way he can communicate with me is via the yahoo messenger, and ONLY when he works at a particular store cuz he doesn't have a computer anymore, or the internet, OR a phone, only his iTouch, which he can get online with if a place has free WIFI. That explains the erratic nature of his communication with me. I have accepted this from him and have felt pity on him. I've sent him money, not enough to buy a phone mind you but enough to let him know I care and want badly to stay in touch with him. AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT IN HIS TWEET, HE WAS GIVING HIS CELL NUMBER TO ANOTHER GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Ok. So, knowing that I've been lied to for at least the last 2 weeks that I can prove, and feeling like I've been manipulated and used, I had to decide how to handle it. Badly, I imagine, because I was so hurt and angry I couldn't see straight. I put the phone number in my cell phone and simply texted him, "You're such an asshole!" to which someone (he refuses to admit it's him) answered, "who's this" (no punctuation, just the way Mickey writes). I answered simply, "the person who you've been lying to about not having a phone". It went on from there, he pretended he was "not Mickey but a friend of Mickey's" and I don't even know what beef you have with him but I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a phone" and that he's "used mine for interviews and stuff". I said, ok whatever Mickey. He said, "Do you want me to tell him something for you?" to which I never responded. Then another hour later, he said, "wait how did you get my number" (again, no question mark, so Mickey) to which I never responded. Oh yahoo messenger, I had written the day before a sweet "I hope you get online soon! I miss you!" and a kissy emoticon. Armed with my new information, I got on there and wrote, "Disregard that last statement. Go fuck yourself instead." I felt strong and done with his nonsense. I hoped it would hit him like a rocket the way it hit me.
He got online and blabbered to me "what's going on I don't even know where that came from. I have no reason to hide anything and if you think I do then you can think what you like." blah blah blah. Well, I love him so much I WANT to believe him. I'd do ANYTHING for it not to be true, because it would confirm what an asshole he really is. So, what do I do? I apologize. I tell him I'm sorry I said that, that I wanted to talk to him. He seemed to care, which is what I wanted in the first place. He said he wanted to talk to me too and was leaving work but would be online the next day and can we talk then.
I thought and thought and thought about what to say. I didn't want to attack him any more than I had. There's a part of me that is hoping and praying he's not the asshole he's appearing to be. I remembered all those women's articles on how to talk about your feelings---use "I" statements, they're honest and keep the other person from feeling defensive. So I wrote, "I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like you haven't been truthful with me. Makes me scared. I don't want to lose you". He replied several hours later, saying he doesn't understand what's going on. "I'm sorry I don't have a phone to talk to you on right now. If you think I'm hiding things you can think what you want. What do I need to hide really? I also had a friend say someone was talking some shit to him thinking it was me. I'm guess (sic) that was you"
I had fallen asleep and didn't see that he'd written. He obviously became impatient with my lack of response and said twenty minutes later, "I guess that (sic) it, no response. Next time I'll be able to talk with you would be wednesday I think".
I wrote back to him 7 hours later, "sorry, I fell asleep. I'll write more in the morning." Then that afternoon I wrote, "Let me know if you get online before Wed. I'm busy today", (meaning the day he last wrote) "but i'll be around tomorrow and the rest of the week to talk to you."
Today is Tuesday. He hasn't been online, hasn't posted any new tweets, but his Facebook is public now (I cancelled my friend request to him) and he mentions his new job.
My BFF has cautioned me not to say anything, that I have all the information I need. If I say anything further, I'm opening myself up to being attacked by him further. I can't handle it. I haven't been able to sleep, all I do is ruminate what to say to him. I know he wants me to explain myself while he's offline, so he can get online and read it, answer me, then jump offline again so he doesn't have to deal with me. He's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, my BFF tells me, and he wants to blame ME for putting the cookie jar there in the first place.
I haven't told my hubby about all this. Christmas is just days away, and I vascillate between telling Mickey what I know and getting it over with, and just staying silent. My BFF tells me as long as I stay silent, I have the power. He's left to squirm and wonder WTF is up with me. I think she's right---it's just so hard to do.
BTW I had told him a week ago that I would send him a Starbucks gift card so he could go in there and use their free WIFI to write me more. I sent it to him the day before all this happened, with a sexy card and I'd printed out pics of us and my new house and family and all. He should be getting it any time now. Wonder how it'll make him feel.
I guess I just want to see what he'll do. How much does he care? I want to be the one to dump him. He told me he's never been dumped. My BFF says I'll be the first, and he'll pine for me forever.
I'm sitting with that.