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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Saving my sanity

I have decided to go ahead and really write that book. Finish it. I have 13 chapters done. What's stopping me? Oh I have many excuses. I vascillate between writing a memoir that will undoubtedly get me on every single talk show in America, with movie rights bought immediately as it hits Number 1 on the Best Sellers Lists. BUT----then I'll lose my family, my friends, and all dignity. So, guess it has to be a work of fiction, although everyone knows that a writer's first book is always a non-fiction work in disguise. My hubby says, just write it.

I am back and forth with Mickey (so what else is new??) and he's making me crazy again. I just give him too much power over me. If I hear from him, I'm happy, in a good mood, and if I don't, I'm cranky and irritable. I don't know how my hubby puts up with me. I think if I write the book and spend a year (or less, hopefully!) I can purge it all out of my system. And who knows what will happen. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of.

I had a "lightbulb" moment at the gym yesterday. (I do all my meditating while I'm running). I realized that my hubby has never given me an ultimatum--Mickey, or him. He is OK with us all being a happy 3sum. It's Mickey that's not ok with it, in the long-run anyway. HE'S the one who would ultimately make me choose. And that moment yesterday when I realized that, was the moment that would be the story of my book. I know who I'd choose---but how would I live with the choice? Either one would be incredibly painful.

I'm excited to write it now, and I do think about that day when Mickey gets his very own personalized copy from me, delivered to his doorstep. He did ask me that day in the hotel room, why haven't I finished it?? He's got a big enough ego that he wants to see his story in print. I have a big enough ego that I want to see MY name on the cover.

Writing is so cathartic. I know that Mickey will never actually make me choose; he has said he would never want to break up my hubby and me. But what if he wanted me that badly.....???

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