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Thursday, May 5, 2011

The tables are turned---and I go insane

Yesterday was one of the hardest days ever for our marriage.  A true test for the fate of our 18-year-old vows.

My post from 2 days ago was about my husband getting his first opportunity to be alone with a woman. We have been "swinging" (God I hate that term! Makes me feel like a monkey!) for about 6 years, and as far as "hall passes", I've been given free reign as a Hotwife. The tables were turned, and I was having a really really really hard time with it.

The night I wrote that post, hubby (who was out of town for work), and I talked on the phone for about 2 hours, thrashing back and forth every nuance of the whole thing. I'm sure I drove him crazy, because I felt one thing and said another. I felt like I had no right to tell him what he could or couldn't do--after all, how many guys have I been with without him?? (too many to count, honestly) And I know her, I know she's like Mickey, loves us both and wouldn't want to do anything that would break us up. We were with her a few weekends ago. So, on paper, logically, she's the perfect person for him to have his first "hall pass" with, right? SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS MY FUCKING PROBLEM??????

Several things.

First of all, like I said in my previous post, I told him 6 years ago I wouldn't be ok if he did it. Yes, a double standard, but he said it turned him on and he encouraged it. He has found guys for me, taken pictures of me for other guys, even made videos for Mickey. He has encouraged me to go on the dating website, and has paid for plane tickets, encouraged me to text, talk, see whoever I want, whenever I want. Because it turned him on.

And this is the defining thing for me----the idea of him being alone with another woman has NEVER turned me on. The thought of him being naked and fucking her made me so nauseous and crazy I was a complete wreck. And all day yesterday, knowing she was driving 4 hours to come see him, thinking about him getting all horny for her was too much for me to bear. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't think. I almost crashed my car with my kids in it because I was so distracted.

I had to work too. A long shift. And with the time difference, I had to keep subtracting 2 hours from everything I was doing to imagine what they were doing. Had she arrived yet? Have you talked to her? Etc. And my hubby was wonderful, he did text me back immediately every time and told me everything.

But it only made it worse.

He 'd finished work, and actually changed hotels to be closer to the airport. So HE drove 2 hours, in MY mind, so he'd have MORE time with her in the morning. So he'd have a quicker drive to the airport.
Everything was adding up. He'd say, "oh no, that's not why, I will be closer so I can catch an earlier flight in the morning." yeah, right I thought. Nice try dude.

So I'm trying to take care of the kids, then had to go to work and worry WTF he's doing 1800 miles away. I know he wasn't cheating---it's not cheating if I know everything! But that didn't make it any easier.

She got lost. She was late. She showed up. They had wine. They were talking. Then they decided to go eat. That's when I had had enough. By this time, I had actually worked my entire shift, and had gotten kids in bed. It was nearly midnight my time, only 10 theirs, and I honestly couldn't take it another second. I grabbed a bottle of wine and some crackers, filled up the bathtub, and sent him a text that said, "I can't handle this. I don't want to hear any details. I'm turning my phone off." He obviously took that to mean, literally, that I would actually turn my phone off.  That I didn't want to hear from him? I did and I didn't. What I wanted to hear from him, he obviously wasn't going to say--which was, "don't worry honey, nothing's going to happen. We're just having a nice chat." (because he's always said he didn't want to lose her friendship). I wanted him to make the right decision without my influencing him. Didn't he know me by now??? We've been together a total of 21 years. Did he really think I was going to be ok with it? Or did he just want her so fucking badly he didn't care? So yeah. I turned off my phone. Because I knew he wasn't going to stop himself.

 I couldn't stand to imagine them naked and fucking. I thought, if he has sex with her, our marriage is over. I will never get over it. Just imaging them in bed together was agonizing.  For the next 2 hours, I sat in the tub sobbing.  I drank half a bottle of wine, and I was practically heaving. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was getting more and more nauseous and hysterical. Two fucking hours had passed. I had no idea WTF they were doing. I was hysterical.  Thank God for my kids---if it weren't for them, I'd probably have stayed in the tub, kept drinking, and slid under. I got out of the tub, dried off my hands, and turned my phone on. He hadn't even tried getting a hold of me. That hurt and fucking pissed me off.

The texts came rapid fire and from deep within me.

"I just want you to know I'm not ok."

"I can't do this."

"I'm sick. I can't take it."

"I guess u are having too much fun to read this."

And the one I knew would get to him--"WE are NOT ok."

Seconds later my phone rang. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to jump right out of my chest. I mumbled hello. He was clearly exasperated with me.

"What are you guys doing?" I demanded.

"We just came back to the room," he says. Yippee. I fucking literally caught them in the nick of time. Of course, I don't know if they were already naked, or whatever. He didn't say. I didn't ask. But he said he would "stop"  and talk to her and call me back.

An agonizing 30 minutes later, he finally calls me back. I tossed and turned in the dark wondering WTF they were doing. He said they went downstairs to the front desk and got her her own room.  He said he was alone now. We talked for about half an hour. I know he'd been drinking, and I had too, so we decided to just go to sleep and talk when he gets home.

I realized the gist of the whole thing is what I said at the beginning of this post---the idea of him alone with another woman has never turned me on. I have tolerated seeing him in 3sums but it bothers me. It's better because I am there, but i have to get so bloody drunk to do it. I'm wondering how solid our marriage is now.

The other thing is, and this is very important---we are supposed to be able to say, "I'm not ok with this", and the other person is supposed to accept it. Without having to feel defensive. It's called setting boundaries. It's the first fucking rule of swinging and open marriages. I thought we had it down, but obviously not. But here's the thing---how many times have I told him, "i'm not ok with it"?? And yes, he stopped, he did the right thing. But I'm fucking hurt and pissed off that it came to that. If I hadn't turned on my phone and had my little tantrum, they'd have spent the fucking whole night together. He told me so. So---guess this is more about hubby not being honest with me either.  I shouldn't have played mind games with him--"go ahead, have your fun, I just don't want to hear details". I should've said, 'Absolutely not. Do not let her drive there. I am not ok with it."

But I was feeling so guilty of all the guys I've been with, and felt it only right he should be allowed to do the same.

But the truth is, it doesn't turn me on. I felt threatened. I felt jealous. I literally went insane. I'm still a wreck. And when he said, "oh yeah, been there, done that", I was like, "WTF??? HUH??? You never once said it bothered you when I was with other guys!!!" and he was like, "well yeah!! duh!!" I said, "but you never once asked me to stop. Or asked me not to go. You've always encouraged me. Why do you do that if you felt the way I felt?" and he said, "cuz you wanted it and I didn't feel it was my right to stop you." FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Ok so this is all new to me. I had no idea.

So, 6 years of swinging and all, and we are acting like newbies. This is so fucked up.

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