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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A happy ending

Hello and welcome to my new readers! I'm always happy to see new readers and I welcome your feedback. I am anonymous on here so I can be as honest as possible, no-holds-barred honest, and hope you'll do the same for me.

A long talk with a close girlfriend of mine made all the difference in the world in how things have turned out for me and my hubby. She is in an open relationship as well (but not married and no kids) but nonetheless, committed to her boyfriend of 6 years. She has done a lot of work on herself--gone to women's retreats, lots of therapy, and lots of reading and meditation and years of hard work on herself and her self-esteem issues. She is where I think my hubby is right now, and I'm where they both began. I have a long way to go.

At the core of what's going on with me and my hubby, and the disastrous week we've had, she said, is me. The problem, is me. WOW that was hard to swallow. How could it be MY fault? I told her the whole story. She insists it's still ultimately my fault. WOW guess you could call that a good friend. She wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear ('he's an insensitive dickweed!") but the truth as she saw it.

The basics of what she was trying to say is this--Just because we're married doesn't mean I own his penis. Or his heart, or his mind, or his anything. He is with me because he WANTS to be with me, not because he's being CONTROLLED BY ME. She insisted no one owns anybody.  

She said it's vital to remember that. I DON'T OWN MY HUSBAND JUST BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO HIM. And, likewise, he doesn't own me. We are on this planet to love many people. How can one person be the be-all and end-all to one other person???? It's impossible. Look at me! For God's sake, how many lovers do I juggle? I had to admit she was right. As much as I love my husband, he is not enough for me. I need others. I can love others. I love Mickey, and I sure as hell don't want to give him up, and my hubby has not asked me to. He is evolved enough to realize that I need him, and he makes me happy, and in turn, makes my hubby happy. I can give part of me to someone else, and it benefits my marriage.

It is true. I have never understood how being with other guys sexually has made me more in love and happier with my husband, but it's true. I spent 4 years in therapy, bi-weekly, trying to answer that question: "is there something wrong with my marriage that I'm attracted to other people?" I never got a yes answer, because no matter how many ways we sliced it, I wasn't unhappy with my husband. He's wonderful.  He just is unable to complete me just as I can't complete him.

I cried realizing this. I just felt so bad for the poor guy. After all I'd put him through with Mickey, I was finally able to feel the pain and agony he'd endured to get over his overwhelming jealousy when I first met Mickey. I was oblivious and impervious to his pain because I was so smitten I didn't want to see it. How cold I was! Oh my God, I just cried for my hubby. He loved me, and loves me enough, to allow me to have Mickey, and others, because I need them. I'm not fucked up, I'm needy, I'm normal, and he gets me. How lucky I am.

Armed with this new way of looking at the situation, all the anger I felt towards my hubby for not being able to read my mind; all the anger I felt at him not "knowing instinctively" what I was thinking, and all the rage I felt at him being attracted to another woman and wanting her sexually, it all just evaporated. It was so freeing.

I don't want you to get the idea that I'm a totally different person now. I still have a ton of work to do. I am jealous and insecure and the thought of my hubby fucking another woman in a hotel room and spending the night with her makes me crazy. BUT-----it's not about me. It's about HIM and his physical body and having physical needs met by another woman--- but I am not diminished by it. And if he falls in love with her, how could I stop him? Could I stop him from falling in love with her by demanding he stay away from her? How well does that work in traditionally monogamous marriages? It doesn't.

By demanding I be his one and only, I'm a toddler having a tantrum. "Don't look at other women. Don't touch them. Don't want them. You're MINE!" Jeez it sounds like kids fighting over a toy or the last cookie in the jar. Do you want to be treated that way? Of course not, and neither do I.

When my husband got home from work, thankfully the kids were in their rooms otherwise occupied so we had a little bit of time alone. He still seemed afraid of me, afraid to say anything at all. Afraid I'd attack him again with my venomous tongue. But we just hugged, so tightly, and I cried and sobbed, saying how sorry I was. He pet my hair, and cried too, and he asked me what had changed. I told him about my talk with my GF and that I vowed to get a therapist and work on my insecurity and jealousy. I told him it was MY fault, and that I was genuinely sorry.  He accepted, and I did tell him there was one thing I needed him to understand. That for his first time with another woman, it did seem too intimate. The whole 4 hour drive to see him, the dinner, the drinks, the entire night spend in a hotel room, AND since he changed hotels, 2 more hours with her in the morning. How intimate that appeared, and how threatening that was to me. He got it. I said, "even with Mickey, I have NEVER had an evening with anyone, followed by an entire night and morning together. Can you understand that?" and he said yes.

I said, "I could work up to that. But this wasn't you and her banging each other. This was a fucking date. You invited her, it was prearranged, and yes, I felt threatened." He nodded and agreed he could see my point. He told me time and again he doesn't have feelings for her other than a close friendship, and I said it's ok if he does, he just needs to be honest with me. Of course, before we can be honest with others, we have to be honest with ourselves. We promised we would take it slow and talk more as we proceed from here.

Anyway, we talked and talked, which was a miracle that the kids didn't interrupt. I began to cook dinner,  and he took out a bottle of wine and two pretty glasses. "Wine?" I asked him. He smiled. I smiled, and I knew we were going to be ok.

Oh, and we had sex. It was great.

WHEW! What a week.

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