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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Another one bites the dust--and Mickey sniffs around again

About 3 days after our sexy weekend,  Jake stopped texting me. I don't know what I did wrong. Here we go again. Same situation, different guy. WTF!?!?!?! I'm so sick of this.  GUYS LISTEN UP OUT THERE----TELL US THE TRUTH.

Or give us a gentle lie. Here are the reasons I've come up with why Jake doesn't want anything to do with me again:

1. He's found someone else. (she's younger, cuter, funnier, dresses better, etc.)
2. He's starting to fall for me and it can't go anywhere cuz I'm married
3. I said something I shouldn't have (told him I missed him)
4. I did something I shouldn't have (texted him)
5. He saw me as a piece of ass. (and I saw him as something more)

There are a lot more choices but they're so pathetic I can't bring myself to write them. It's bad enough how much I've beaten myself up over it. I have been in a funk ever since. I can't even listen to music lately--every song just seems to get on my nerves.

Here's what I know--like a detective trying to solve a case--he told me I was the best he'd ever had. He said it sincerely. (he's only 18---I believed him!) And as great as the sex was, it was the way he held me all night long that did it for me. I've never been with a guy that liked to cuddle all night long the way he did. It was tender. It wasn't a 'wham-bam-thank you ma'am" at all.

I bought tickets to see his band in concert. We were chatting about it. Then he stopped texting. I didn't think anything of it. Then a day later, I wrote, "the weather is so dreary today--wish I was back in bed with you :)". No response. I waited a WEEK to text back! (I was so proud of myself!) I wrote, simply, "Hi sexy". No response. I waited about 10 hours, then wrote, "I miss you...are we ok?" still no response.

The next day I composed myself and wrote, "Hi Jake, hey I don't know if your phone isn't working or you just don't want to talk to me. So I just want you to know I'm glad I met you. You made me feel things no one has ever made me feel." Then, "You opened up my heart and I was starting to really feel something for you. I honestly hope to see you again." I thought, and waited, no response. 15 min later my closing statement--"And I wish I knew what you were thinking. When I drove away I thought things were fine."

That was a week ago.

I've cried so much over him, it really caught me by surprise. I realize the good that's come out of it, and I don't regret him at all. I am completely over Mickey, who, by the way, texted me at 6 am today out of the blue. Said he misses me like hell. I think he fell asleep cuz he stopped texting but the difference is I DON'T HONESTLY CARE ANYMORE. It's a great feeling. I'm free from Mickey. I don't think he can hurt me again. I'm too wrapped up in Jake.

I guess it's not Jake I miss so much, he's merely the messenger. I got the best sex of my life, and I felt loved. For that night, I was loved. He loved me the only way he knows how, with his body. He can't give me any more. And I want more. Nearly 20 years I've been married, and I got something from someone else I've never had. It was amazing.

My self-esteem has taken such a beating though. I can't help but pick apart everything I said, looking for the "deal breaker", as Dr. Phil would say. Something I said, or did, caused him to say or feel, "that's a deal breaker. I'm done with her." BUT WTF WAS IT?????

I swear, whatever I've thought of can't be worse than what it was. I know I didn't fart. I'm a great lover. He told me so. We had 2 amazing nights together. I know he was smitten with me. He told me he told his friends about me. So, where did it all go wrong??

Well, I'll probably never know.

But I have a new fantasy.

His band is going on tour. They have 17 gigs this month. I am NOT texting him (not even tempted actually--I can't take being ignored). We have tickets to his concert July 1st. I"m going to look amazing, and go up to see him afterward. He will be happy to see me, I know he will. And who knows--he may get lonely on tour. He told me he's not excited about being cooped up with his bandmates in dinky motel rooms for a month.

I'm going to give him a chance to miss me. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. If I was truly the best he'd ever had, and if he was getting feelings for me too, he will miss me. And he will contact me. If not, I will just show up after his concert and say hi.  Maybe he will be wondering, as he sits alone in those motel rooms, "did she buy tickets? Is she coming to see me?" and maybe, just maybe, he'll text me. I'm hoping he will. It's my favorite fantasy, I think about it constantly.

And at 7:45 am today (5:45 Mickey's time), I was dropping my daughter off at school when I got a text. From Mickey. It's been since May 20th since I last heard from him. Took him 3 weeks to miss me, but miss me he does. I was happy to see his name pop up on my screen. I just sat and looked at it, and smiled. We wrote back and forth for about 15 min and then he stopped texting. At least this time I don't really care if he writes back or not. I absolutely love how he doesn't have the power to hurt me right now. Does this mean I'm really over him??? After 6 years?? Yes, I think it does. And it's a wonderful feeling. I can enjoy his attention but I don't need it anymore.

I'm back on the dating website, and I'm juggling like 6 guys right now. Not that I want to. It's that they show interest, we exchange pics, and 90% of them turn out to look nothing like their profile pics, or they live too far, or "how about next week?" so whatever. Right now really the only one I want to hear from is Jake but it ain't happening, so I'm looking for my next lover.

I'll let you know what Mickey does next. I invited him to come visit me. I'm not holding my breath.

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