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Friday, March 7, 2014

Oh MIckey, you're so fine you blow my mind

Hello all you sexy peeps how have you all been? I haven't forgotten about you! No, no, no, not at all. Just because we aren't actively swinging right now doesn't mean all is boring here. Mickey popped up out of the woodwork again last night after a long hiatus, which is Mickey's MO. Last I heard from him was that two-word response Jan 31st: "happy new year." That was it. So lo and behold how nice it was last night, I got to the gym for my tennis league and I was putting my things in my locker. I had my phone out still and BOOM there it is, his name with the sexy lip emoticon next to it, and the message, "hey, it's Mickey." I smiled a huge smile, staring at his words, and put my phone in my locker and shut the door and went to tennis. I wasn't sure how to respond; I always pick and choose my words to him so carefully. I just decided to go play tennis and think about it.  When I did finally write him back an hour and a half later, I texted what I would normally say: "hey sexy man how are you?" And it took him another hour and a half to write ME back.

As they say, let the games begin.

We chatted back and forth, and as usual, he says very little. He throws me crumbs, and I gobble them up like a hungry pigeon. He just said he was in Washington visiting his mom "tonight". My brain heard "Washington" and of course thanks to my stalking of him my brain lit up immediately and it registered "Washington" as meaning, "trying to get that girl back that just dumped me." Yes, I'm smarter than he knows. But the point here is my friends, he ALWAYS comes back to me. ALWAYS. 

I wish I knew what he wanted. I really don't know. Am I just an ego-booster to him? Just someone to pass the time with till something better comes along, or does he really care about me? I have no idea. I do know that I don't NEED his crumbs anymore. Oh, I like them very much indeed, but I don't NEED them the way I did. I don't keep checking my phone to see if he's texted, or over think "why isn't he texting?" I don't really care. They're nice when they come and I don't really think too much beyond that. It feels so much less constricting. 

So anyways, we chatted a little, I always say too much. He told me he was looking for a new job (so what else is new?) and that he will be helping a friend move at the end of March--back to the city in California where we both lived! And ironically, I am going to California to see my mom this month too!!! My little heart started fluttering, just thinking about seeing him in two weeks. It's been over 3 years since we've seen each other. Of course, he back-pedaled and said he wasn't sure what his plans were "exactly" and that it "isn't up to me" because he's helping his friend move and that he was pretty sure they were going the last week in March. I'm going next weekend. He could change his plans if he really wanted to see me. It's that simple. I'm not stupid. Well, yes I am, because I'm always the one pulling him to change. He didn't offer, "WOW well let me see what I can do, I'd love to see you! Maybe he'd be willing to go two weeks earlier!!!" No, he did not. I will keep telling myself that.

Aside from Mr. Mickey, I am doing GREAT! LIfe is sweet these days. Hubby and I are doing very very well. I was able to fully forgive him and he is just amazing. Yes of course I will still always have the trauma, and the triggers, and of course the marriage will never be innocent again. The damage is done, and he has to live with what he's done to me FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. ON HIS DEATHBED HE WILL HAVE REGRETS. 

BUT--having said that, he is a changed man. I have changed too; I am much wiser now and much, much stronger. Having been able to truly forgive him has made such a huge difference. I did it for ME. I was having a really bad December; November wasn't much better. I was having so much trouble with certain things he did (like bringing his whore here to meet my children, have sex with me, yeah, was having real trouble with that) and I was getting to the point where I thought, I either need to forgive him or leave him. 

I still go to therapy every other week, and I'd been working on forgiveness. But like converting to a new religion, it just wasn't happening to me. I just wasn't feeling it. And the harder I tried, the more elusive it became. I started obsessing again, using my fake Facebook profile to stalk her. Hours wasted reading and re-reading her stupid profile for signs of her commenting on our life. Of course there was none. She's just the same old bitch she always was, only I was too trusting and naive to see it. 

What finally pushed me over the edge is something I still haven't told my hubby about. I Googled her one day, and the very first thing that comes up is a website outing cheaters! I didn't remember doing so, but I had outed her publicly, full birth name and all, and told the world in print what a sociopathic scumbag she really was. I began to shake when I saw that she'd responded with a fake name that she was "single" (as if it made that any more honorable??? See what I mean????) and that my husband wouldn't have cheated if I'd "given him something to come home to." Nice. 

I began to shake uncontrollably and thought I was going to pass out. I had to get up and walk around the house and calm myself down. I was so angry. I had no one to lash out at. I decided to email the webhost and ask them to remove it. I did, and then did some more research and found out the only way to have it removed was to hire a lawyer and pay about $400-500 to have it removed. I began to really panic. It didn't specify when she'd commented. It couldn't been two years ago (when I wrote it) or recently. I had no idea. I still don't. And I thought, I'll be the better person. I'll hire a lawyer and remove it.

Only I don't have $500. And WTF she deserves it. SHE can pay the $500 to get her "good name" back. HAHHAHAHAH And after a few days when this epiphany came to me I felt much better. I felt like I got the last word. She may have insulted me, but anyone reading that would agree that she proved she truly is a sociopath to blame it on the wife. Nice try bitch.

So anyways, that derailed me quite a bit. I had so much unresolved anger, and I was really getting to a boiling point with it. And it was something I heard on a podcast (I listen to LOTS of podcasts while I'm driving. I love psychology and listen to podcasts about infidelity, forgiveness, and personality disorders). I came upon one that resonated with me in a big way--the speaker said, "forgiveness is giving mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it." This was the first time I'd heard something like that. Everything I'd heard and read about forgiveness always talked about how you "do it for YOU! YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! ANGER IS POISON!!"  and always wrapped up in a tidy little bow that made it sound so easy to do and so WTF is wrong with me that I just couldn't forgive?????

That sentence stuck with me. If I could forgive someone who DIDN'T deserve to be forgiven, how about someone who DID? Namely, my husband??? And it kind of started to settle in. I saw how hard he was trying, and how much he loved me. How when I asked him the hard question, "HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME???" he honestly had no answer, other than, "the guy sitting here with you right now cannot believe that I did those things, and I could never do them now, ever again."

I just spent a few days being introspective about it all, and I was actually standing in front of my mirror, putting on makeup, thinking about it all, and I burst into tears and screamed, "I FORGIVE HIM! I FORGIVE HIM!!" and just sobbed a happy sob. It happened. It finally happened. Like "feeling Jesus" in church, I "felt forgiveness" in my heart. As if Cupid struck me with a bow and injected me suddenly with a forgiveness serum. Snap your fingers with me here, cuz that's how it happened.

I texted my husband "I have to talk to you tonight! It's good!" and when I finally got the chance to tell him, he was sobbing with shame and gratitude. And from that night on, things have been so much better. In forgiving him, I was able to release the build-up inside of me. I have been living backwards for the last 2 years. I was dying inside. I was sick of living backwards, ruminating constantly about the last 16 years of my life that was not what I thought it was. I had to figure out how to live in the present. My present was ruined by what he did in my past, and robbed me of choices I'd have made differently if I'd known the truth. But I had to come to an acceptance that what's done is done, and I can't go back. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Accept it. Part of me still fights it. But I'm using that fight now to make the years I have left better.

So, the whole open marriage thing is tabled for now. I know Mickey won't change his schedule and if he did would I go see him? Yes I would. In a heartbeat. I know my hubby wouldn't want it any other way. He knows what he means to me. 

But what about hubby seeing other women? Sorry, he had his fun. He knows this too. I have told him I don't know if I'll ever be ok with it again. EVER. He can walk if he really wants other women. And aside from Mickey, I'm not interested in anyone else (not even Allen really. He texts me from time to time but I haven't made any effort to see him, nor has he). I have really grown. I don't need young guys to be interested in me anymore to feel good about myself. My kids are growing up and I'm not wishing I was younger anymore. I am what I am. It feels awesome.

On that note, I am obsessed with monogamy vs. non-monogamy. I'll continue to write about it here and I love hearing from you all about it. I have even convinced my therapist that open marriages CAN succeed. I have taught him a lot about it. But I do realize that a lot of us are having sex without really thinking about each other's well-being or our own. We drink to let ourselves get jiggy and then when we've sober we wonder WTF happened. We have to really know ourselves and not let alcohol talk us into doing things we wouldn't do sober. That was me, that was my hubby. How many of you drink to loosen up and let yourself be more sexual? Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, unless you do it the way I did.

My alcohol-addled brain didn't question why my husband brought this whore into my house. When I asked him how he knew her, I accepted his answer. I didn't question him enough. I accepted everything he said, and everything she said and just went along to get along. That girl is so gone now. Not drinking anymore has brought me so much more peace and vigilance. I miss wine,  I miss having fun and going out, and this new boring me is well, boring, but I feel like I'm taking care of me better. 

Hubby is sober now too. I know it won't last for both of us; we have agreed to go "a month" but I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to keep it up. We never fight when we're sober. Only when we've been drinking. I hate how it messes with my mind. We have made a LOT of progress, but we had a huge fight a few weekends ago when out at a bar (of course) we were getting blasted, having a fun time with friends, and he casually points out this young thing as being "hot" and "such a good dancer." Well, for me, the night was over and I wanted to go. So we did and I let him have it. For me (once again, snap your fingers) that quick I was back to square one. I screamed at him, "If I wasn't there, just like in MInnesota when I wasn't there, you'd take her back to your apartment and fuck her." It was a horrible fight.

I said, "Why did you feel the need to tell me that? Was it to caution me that you might act on it and I needed to know?" He said no of course not. He thought, "you point out hot guys all the time and so that's all I was doing." I said, "Yeah and you get turned on when I do that. I do NOT get turned on when you find someone else attractive. And she's half your age, and a skank on top of it. Don't you have any taste??? Jeez you're attracted to a "4" then what am I? Guess that makes ME a "4" too." I said, 'Obviously, you have a "type", and it's the whore. That's really hard to deal with."

It was ugly. We couldn't settle it and had an emergency appointment with our couple's therapist. She told him, "that's called 'being an asshole". He was shocked. She said, "You're not in an open marriage anymore. You don't point out other women to her anymore. That's called being an asshole. Keep it to yourself. She's not ready to hear it." He thought he was "just being honest". I discussed it with my therapist too and he gave him some kudos for his honesty, but that he needs to learn how to behave in a monogamist marriage.

So that's where we're at right now. We are somewhere in between monogamist and non-monogamist. It's confusing, and so for now, it's best we stay sober so we don't lose our inhibitions in public. Friday nights are boring now, but I'll take boring. We go to the gym now instead of boozing it up at our local watering hole making jerks of ourselves. Or we go to a movie, or we go to a coffee house and play a board game. It's a little boring, but the more we do it, the more I like it.

From one extreme to the other. We will land somewhere in between eventually.

Thanks for reading this far. I know I've rambled. I had a long to say LOL (don't I always?)

Have a great weekend sexy peeps!!

Love always,
Anna XO