OH. MY. GOD.
Dear readers, you have put up with me for so long, all my sad tirades and all my unrequited desirings. And you've been there for me through it all. It is with great pleasure and torture that I announce.....
Blondie is back in my life.
I say that without exclamation marks, because I'm beyond exclamations. I am SO happy.
He fills such a deep longing in me, and I've missed him so terribly these last 8 months, and I think I'm still a little shocked. And of course, I haven't heard from him since he drove out of my garage a week ago, so there's still that terror and worry "was that it??? Will I ever see him again??" So that kind of negates the desire for me to put exclamation marks on that sentence. Because, is he truly back in my life, or did he just pop in for one last fuck???
And it's that space I'm in right now. It's a hard space to be in. We've all been there haven't we??
It's a familiar feeling, as I've felt it ever single time I've ever been with him. I leave thinking, 'if I never see him again, it will all still be worth it." And I say that because I'm married!! And most people think "where can this go??? It can't go anywhere!" And I know that the truth is, most relationships end. They just do! So why do we go into them thinking they have to be "forever"??!! THERE IS NO FOREVER. All we have is RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT.
And we should be making the most of every single one of those moments, instead of fretting about if there will be more of them.
Because life has NO guarantees. Human beings are not robots. We are fleeting in our cares and desires and the wind may carry us away and it may carry us back. We cannot control ourselves let alone anyone else.
So when the wind carries someone as beautiful and amazing as my Blondie your way, just fucking enjoy them. In that moment. Because you don't know if you'll ever have them again, and if you don't, you don't want to ruin it with forecasting.
But that's what we do. We want guarantees. We want to know "are you all in???" "Are you "the one"???!!" And you know what my dear friends??? There is no such thing. And the sooner you believe that, the happier you will be.
There will be many, many, many people that will come and go in your life, and each one will leave an indelible mark on your heart. Each one is special in their own right. If you go into each relationship with the goal of marriage being the finish line, you miss out completely on the magic, not of "what could be" but WHAT IS.
This moment, right now, is all that matters.