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Thursday, January 26, 2017

What I want for my birthday

The day after a first date is always the barometer of how it went, and New Guy didn't disappoint. He wrote me first thing in the morning, and last thing at night (didn't call me though! First day he didn't call! But he worked a 10 hour day so it's ok!!) He was also the first person to wish me a happy birthday. Yes, today is my birthday! And my heart is heavy because the one person I want to be with today just posted a snapchat of himself and his adorable cat to his story, but didn't send it to ME.

And I refuse to open his snapchat stories. He's not looking at mine anymore, for about 3-4 days now, and he STILL hasn't responded since his, "I go in at 12:30" text last Monday. I KNOW I need to get over him!!! I KNOW THAT!!!! But DOING it is something else altogether.

I'm pouring all the energy that I would be wasting on Blondie into New Guy. It's so funny, I really need to figure out what to call him, not just on this blog but in reality! I am calling him by the nickname his friends gave him but it feels strange, and I can't call him by the same name as my hubby. I mean of course I can, but his Facebook is filled with his friends calling him by his nickname. Last night I asked him what his middle name is, and it sounds African-American, and he is very Caucasian and blonde, so that name doesn't fit either!!

I love how I can tell NG (for "new guy" until I come up with something better) how I REALLY feel, and he is so easy to talk to. For example, he didn't understand why I wouldn't just come over and hang out. He said, and I quote, "If you don't want to fool around yet that has nothing to do with where we hang out. I will respect you. So don't automatically think that you coming over means sex. We can just cuddle and watch TV. Whenever you're ready for anything else, we can cross that bridge then." And I really do know he'd honor that. He's not one of those slimy types that think once they get you into their apartment they pounce.

He asked me, "what are you waiting for?" in response to him saying he feels "a lot of chemistry" for me. Before I had a chance to respond, he wrote, "I wasn't ready to hold hands yet." That shocked me! We ARE awkward together, but isn't that how it usually is when you're getting to know someone??!! I think for me, I usually either feel it 100% or not at all. I told him about a guy I went out on a first Tinder date with last year--he was the guy who was super cute, had a cat and an apartment and it was when Blondie had just dumped me to "pursue" Piggy Face. I wanted SO badly to like him. We met at a bar, had 2 glasses of wine, and felt nothing. I even went back to his apartment, met his cat, we chatted, and I still felt nothing. It's like I'm back there again with this new guy. I hate it!! I hate the hold Blondie has on me. He makes me so crazy and I'm sick of losing opportunities to be with someone else who will treat me right bc I am stuck on him.

And I love how you, my dear readers and anonymous friends, challenge me to ask myself why I keep giving him so many chances. And the thing is, we've been friends for almost 2 years, and lovers off and on for a year. I know, I know, there was that 8 month period where I didn't hear from him at all because he was with Piggy Face, but when they broke up he told me how he never stopped thinking about me and how badly he has wanted me all along. And we have an AMAZING connection, and I've never had sex like that with anyone. You know how that is---it creates a longing and desire for them very much like a drug and all I want is more more more. BUT if he doesn't feel the same way, which apparently, he does and he doesn't, sitting around waiting for him is just plain stupid.

Oh, and I have thought long and hard about my sudden burst-into-tears spell yesterday. I think it was so obvious I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner. It was really as simple as I really wished I'd been kissing Blondie instead. And how hurt I feel that he doesn't feel the same way. I am, without realizing it, grieving for him. I have SUCH longing for him and it hurts deep to my core. I HAVE to let go and let this new guy give me what I really want and need. He is willing to take things slow and wants everything I want. I just have to let go of Blondie to let it all happen. 

Today is my birthday! I'm going to squeeze in seeing NG. That will make me happy. I'm not going to let Blondie's lack of contact ruin my day. He thought my birthday was Sunday and he DID call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Have a good day everyone!

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