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Thursday, September 30, 2010

OMG---Mickey "cums" through

Well I decided to stay online and visible and see if I got any crumbs....see Mickey works till very late and is awake all night long while I'm sleeping, and if I'm going to hear from him, it's going to be in the middle of the night. Sure enough--around 3:30 am he wrote, "LOL sorry no phone".  No response to the "are you ok?" question.  know you're to answer your question, no, I didn't get an explanation.

So, I guess I believe him about the phone.

And obviously he's not dead or in jail.

And I have come to the realization that I, Anna, am addicted to Mickey and am happy getting crumbs. It truly is better than not getting anything.

Especially if those crumbs are sexy and complimentary.

OMG he was so graphic--he was obviously turned on and wanted me.  He was sooo delicious, and sooo nasty...telling me how he was going to blindfold me and make me suck his cock while my hubby fucked he was going to tease me and pull me close as I came so I couldn't get away.....yes, I feel fulfilled....sad and pathetic huh? What can I say, that boy does something to me....I just can't get enough.

So....I sent him a pic of the guest room.....will he visit? I didn't ask. I'll wait till he suggests it. He knows I want him here.

Needless to say, I am in a great mood today. I got my crumbs. I said I wanted more, but the truth is, he's either incapable of more or unwilling to give more. I want him in my life. I'm happily married, so I know it can't go anywhere anyway. I will take what I can get.

OMG he's writing me again! yay! GTG.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

An open letter to Mickey

Dear Mickey,
I have so many things I want to say to you I don’t know where to begin, but knowing you may never actually read this or even if you do you’ll never mention it to me makes me not even want to bother giving it to you. Maybe I’ll just write this to get it off my chest.
Do you have any idea how crazy you make me feel? Do you even care? No, you don’t. It’s just same old Mickey, different day, different year. I keep putting up with you but I have no idea why. Why do I love you? Why do I give a fuck about you? You are such an asshole. You really are.
Maybe you think being mysterious is attractive. At first maybe, but jeez, we’ve known each other for 6 years now, and it’s just plain annoying. One minute you’re online IM’ing me “hey sweetheart” and then a few days later you’re incognito, totally blowing me off. WTF??? Why?? I mean, I go from wondering if you’re upset with me to wondering if you’re dead or in jail. One day I’m worried and sad about you and the next I’m a raving lunatic filled with rage.
I really think I’m done with you once and for all now Mickey. I know I’ve said that to myself at least a thousand times, but I really am. You are cruel and you haven’t changed a fucking bit in all this time.
Three days ago we were talking about you moving out here with me. You had a lot of concerns and questions and I wanted you to know that I would do anything for you. Yes, anything.  I would move mountain and earth to have you here with me.
I have been wanting to put money in your account for weeks now, ever since you dropped your phone. I always want to help you. The only reason I didn’t is because I worried it would ruin our relationship. I know you don’t feel good taking money from me, and I know you’re capable of solving your own problems. You don’t need handouts from me to make you feel bad about yourself or dependant on me. I totally get that. 
What you don’t get is how when a person cares about another person, they are your friend and family. You want to do whatever you can for them--to make them happy. To make their lives more comfortable, to ease their pain, to help them through a hard time. And of course to be there to celebrate when things are going well. I am ALL that for you Mickey. And more.
It seems that whenever we get close, it scares you, and you run away. 
I’ve written you so many times and gotten no response from you that I’m just done. I can’t take your games anymore. I used to feel that as long as I had you in my life, however small a part, I was happy. Since you came to visit me, I feel differently. I want all of you, or most of you. I loved hanging out with you, I loved getting to know you, and talking to you and learning all about you. I didn’t like everything I saw, but I liked those parts of you simply because it was YOU. I’m just not content with the crumbs you keep tossing my way Mickey. 
Maybe you know you can’t give me more, or don’t want to, and by just disappearing into thin air is your way of sending me the message. Well I hear it, Mickey, loud and clear.
So, are you offline or invisible? Are you trying to tell me to leave you alone? Sure seems that way. Maybe it’s not all about me, I know you have a life, but if you won’t share it with me how the fuck am I supposed to know?? I asked you if you were seeing someone. That went unanswered, as usual. Then I simply said “hi” to you, and you immediately clicked offline and haven’t been on since. How am I not to think it’s a message to me to leave you alone? What gets me is, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE?????????
I also think you’re lying to me about not having a phone. You told me two weeks ago that I "shouldn't even ask" if you had a phone cuz I should know you didn't have the money to replace it. Well, that was two weeks ago. You think I’m so fucking gullible, don’t you? You’re offline cuz you have a phone now. Yes, I tried calling your number, and it’s been disconnected. You told me you change your number all the time so I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ve done. If you have a phone now you don’t need yahoo messenger, and I can’t contact you except by email. Which you probably wouldn’t read anyway. You’d see it was from me and just delete it. By the way, who besides you changes their phone number the way you do? No one. I don’t know anyone who likes to change their phone number. It is so disruptive, and tedious. I think you do that cuz you really don’t have anyone in your life you care about anyway. You are always running away from people who care about you. You get a new number and new people. Throw away everyone who came before and start over. That’s you Mickey.
I ask myself what to do now. Give you the benefit of the doubt and write you? I am tempted of course to do just that because that is what I do with you. That is our relationship. You treat me like shit and I take it. Over and over and over. You give me attention in crumbs and because I love you I live for those crumbs. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like I’d rather not have any of you if I can’t have more.
I’ve taught you how to treat me. I’ve taught you that I’m ok with crumbs and that’s all you have to give me to have me. That’s not really how I feel anymore.
If you’ve met someone, good for you. I want you to be happy. I know I don’t have a future with you, I can’t be everything you need me to be. You're half my age. I know sooner or later it’s gonna happen so maybe you’re doing me a favor by ending things with me now. I just don’t know what things always have to end badly with you. Why can’t you be a man and tell me straight out?

I think it’s cuz you aren’t really certain what you want. If you string me along, you know I’ll be there when you change your mind. Because you will break her heart and everyone else’s, cuz that’s what you do. And I’m always there when you do, and I always take you back.
And maybe I will Mickey, and maybe I won’t. I really can’t take your shit another day. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to play games with you anymore. I just think I’m worth more than that. 

Monday, September 27, 2010

His Response is----No Response

As quickly as Mickey disappeared offscreen last post, he came back on. Five longs days he stayed offline (or invisible) he just popped back on and wrote me. As usual, it was after midnight when his IM came in. The little pop-up sound woke me and I was thrilled (of course) to see it was him. I decided to chill and went back to sleep. I woke up at 2 am and responded hello. He said he was alone, smoking pot, and he seemed really playful and happy. Just the Mickey I love. He sent me the cutest little happy face, you know, made with asterisks, semi-colons, all those little font-things ( I don't know what they're called). Then a lull, like an hour and a half lull where I fall in and out of sleep, straining to hear the IM sound.

The day before I had emailed him pictures of our guest room in our new house---I very much want him to come visit---Hubby said I could pay for his plane ticket again---so I spent the whole weekend emptying boxes, carrying boxes, and the room is gorgeous. He wrote simply "sweet" about it. So, I thought, hmmm, yeah!! Maybe I can buy his ticket today! But as usual, he didn't say anything more about it.

I had tried to make him jealous last week by mentioning that I'd met someone here, and he knew I meant a playmate. He then said, "guess you don't need me anymore." That couldn't be farther from the truth! I told him, "you know I'd rather have you. I'm just keeping myself busy till you come back to me." He of course let that sentence hang in the air and dissipate like all the other emotion-laden sentences I say to him.

So---my girlfriend said, "let him know nothing's happening with this other guy." Cuz unfortunately it's true---that hot grocery checker is a high school senior so he's probly not even 18! So I used that moment to tell Mickey about it. Last thing he said to me was, "LOL you do like the young ones." I said, "that's too young! " then, a loaded question----"what about you? are you seeing anyone?" and of course no response.

Half hour later, I wrote, Still there? no response.

The next day, I wrote simply hi. No response.

That afternoon, I wrote, Hi Mickey with a smiley face.

It's been 3 days. No response.

WTF??? I'm so sick and tired of these games.

My girlfriend said to me very gently,"I think he's lying to you about not having a phone." I told her I'd already thought of it.

We had had a conversation a few days before about him moving here. It was pretty heavy...I was pretty insistent that I wanted him here and that I'd do anything to help him. He kept peppering me with roadblocks, like "but how would I get my stuff there?" and of course I had an answer for every single one.I got the impression he really wants to move here but it's logistics that's keeping him stuck for now, not emotion. But maybe I was way wrong.

I'm done, I'm really done. I can't take it anymore.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Out of sight but not out of mind

Mickey has been offline (or online and invisible, don't know which) all weekend. SO......that means one of a few things....he's seeing someone, his computer's broken, he doesn't want to talk to me, or.....???? I wish I didn't care. I wish I was busier right now and didn't notice. I think that's what pisses me off the most. So, I made myself invisible on yahoo messenger too.

The worst part is, when he finally does write me, he won't explain, and I can't ask.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Another boxboy for me!

Just as I have been wondering where all the hot guys are in this city we just moved to---I found him.!!!!!!Where else??? A GROCERY STORE!!!!!!!!!!! There are so many grocery stores here, seriously, like 5 or 6 nearby. But my favorite isn't the closest---I can't say the name of it but anyway, I go out of my way to go there cuz it's really huge, got everything. And I mean everything!!! I was in last Friday, a huge cartfull, and I was eyeing the lines to see which was the shortest.

And there he was---a checker, not a boxboy-----he reminded me of Mickey!!! Short, punk-y black hair, diamond stud earrings in each ear, about 5'9" and Mickey's build. A beautiful white smile. He looked young---I thought, hmmm, well, he's a checker, not a boxboy, so he must be at least 20.  I was instantly smitten. I caught my breath and pushed my cart into his line (which was the longest, of course).  When it was my turn, he started the conveyor and he was grabbing my bags of salad and all and scanning them. He looked at me and said something like, "hi Ma'am, how are you today Ma'am?" I was so smitten I couldn't talk. I hated the "ma'am's" and cringed everytime he said it, but I couldn't breathe let alone correct him!!! He was SO fucking cute, my heart was pounding. Thank God I looked good!

He messed up my checkout--I was halfway out to the parking lot and he called after me, "ma'am!" I turned around and was surprised to see him running towards me. He said he forgot to charge me for the greeting cards he'd put aside for last and did I still want them? I said I did so I followed him back into the store. He apologized profusely and I was SO smitten I couldn't even talk. I just quietly stood there smiling at him! What an idiot!!!

BUT---- I honestly couldn't stop thinking about him! I got all dolled up in my best jeans and tight-Tshirt and Converse and went in hoping to see him yesterday--and yes! There he was again! My heart leapt and I had an instant smile on my face. I didn't want to buy too much--it would look like I had an army back at my house LOL so I just got some salad things and a couple bottles of wine (to make me look fun and loose LOL). His line wasn't too busy, just one person ahead of me. Good! I thought---I was determined to talk to him and let him know I was interested in him.

When it was my turn, he looked at me with that amazing smile and bright brown eyes and said, "hello ma'am" I said, "please call me anna". He smiled and said, "ok Anna, how's your day going?" I said bravely,' better now that I see you!' he stopped scanning my groceries and looked up at me and said, "wha--wha--wow-really-oh wow!" he was stunned. I was smiling too. And shaking like a teenager I was so smitten with him! My heart was pounding. He said he'd just come on his shift, came straight from school. He told me he was a senior---"last year of high school". I was sooooooooo bummed!!! I wanted to ask him if he's 18 yet but it didn't segue well enough to ask.

We had a nice chat--I told him I'd just moved here from California and he said he moved from California a year ago too!!! He's from Newport Beach! I was like wow....we talked about the cold winters here and I asked him if he missed the beach. He said yeah, he misses surfing. I was so horny for this gorgeous gulp-probably 17 year old, all I could think about was him in a wetsuit, carrying his surfboard, walking out of the waves, his gorgeous black hair all wet and mussed up, his white teeth and amazing smile, all tan and muscular. That's what I was thinking as he was talking. Oh, and imagining kissing his full soft lips. And riding him, my hands on his shoulders as I fucked him hard. Holding that thick gorgeous hair in one hand, the other around his tiny waist, straddling him and kissing him.

I will have to wait tho till he's old enough!!! I will continue to shop there on days he's there, get to know him. I will ask him when he turns 18 (hopefully SOON!!!) I remember I met Mickey when he was 17. I knew he was off-limits....I actually didn't have a crush on him then, that came later. But this guy--his name is Jon---is worth waiting for too.

I will fantasize and keep working out......I hope he likes older women cuz I want this hottie!!!