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Friday, November 12, 2010

So what's my fucking problem???

I've got a "date" at 12:30 today with a guy I met on this swingers' website. We exchanged phone numbers and we had some real intense chat a few weeks ago. As cute as he was, I wasn't happy with the fact that he was going to be cheating on his girlfriend with me. How is it that married swingers have morals and some single people don't??? Screwy, isn't it??

So I had basically told him, sorry, I'm not ok with that, and he was fine with it. I haven't talked to him since, and then last night, in a tipsy, horny moment, my hubby wrote him and set up a meeting between us today!  He texted me almost an hour ago and I haven't responded. So----what's my fucking problem??

Part of it is, i'm not feeling exceptionally sexy right now. I've gained 5 pounds (I'm still 127 and it's making me sooo crazy!!!) so that's not helping my confidence with a new partner. My hubby thinks I'm nuts but it's really the truth. I don't feel confident taking my clothes off, and I don't really feel sexy.  I also don't like the way my hair was cut 2 weeks ago. I don't look as good as the pics I sent him and that's what I always worry about when I see someone else's pics! You know, we always post the best pic of ourselves we can find, and they can be quite outdated.

The other truth is, I'd decided I didn't want to have sex with him, but my hubby wants me to. He was on his webcam last night and he is cute, but I'm not super-attracted to him. He's 25 and actually quite good-looking, but not really my type. (I like dark-haired guys, not really into blondes) but I'm being super picky. And I think, do I have a right to be so super picky?? I'm no spring chicken! I should be fucking thanking the stars that I've got the goods to attract such a cute young guy!!

So, I still don't know.

It's hard during the day, too. A glass of wine and I'd be like, "WTF let's go hot boy!!!" but it's 10:30 in the morning and I have trouble letting myself go there. I still can't believe I fucked that pilot that day--I just waltzed in the hotel, met him for the first time, and 10 minutes later I'm taking my clothes off. Half an hour after that, I'm back in my car, driving to the airport. Was that really me???

I still don't know. I gotta respond. Maybe I'll take a shower first, put on some music, and see if I can get into feeling better about my body. My hubby says I'm crazy, I look amazing. That's why I love him! But we girls can't feel good about ourselves if we've gained weight. I know---5 pounds isn't a big thing but it is to me. Is it just an excuse?? Does it have anything to do with my feelings for Mickey?

---sigh--

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Mickey wants to move here! OMG!

Mickey and I had the most intense conversation yesterday we've ever had. He started writing me on Yahoo messenger yesterday afternoon, and it went off and on for about 5 hours.  I'm really happy but confused and sad all at the same time. He was lamenting his situation---reduced income due to loss of driver's license, looking for a new and better job than making pizzas, and moving here clear across the country to be near me! Yes, he's seriously considered it, and is still seriously considering it. I'm blown away. We talked about how that would affect my marriage. He's pretty sure it would break us up and I can't disagree, although I have absolutely no intention of leaving my hubby. I'm pretty crazy about him and I'd never choose Mickey over him. I did have a brief moment there a few years ago where I fantasized about being with Mickey 24/7, but I'm so glad I got over it! AND I'm soooo lucky my hubby understands how I feel about him and puts up with me. I guess it's cuz he knows he's #1 with me and Mickey will always be #2, even if sometimes it seems like it's the other way around.

The most amazing part of our conversation was my realization that he wasn't trying to be an asshole all this time--well, no one sets out to TRY to be an asshole--what I mean is, he was saying how he's never been in "this kind of situation before"---meaning, a threesome, emotionally and physically----and he doesn't know how to handle it most of the time. I think that explains all the weird and cruel shit he's done to me. I'm someone else's wife for god's sake! And if he's been in love with me all this time, he feels like shit loving and fucking another guys' wife. He doesn't know how my hubby handles it--he doesn't get how it's ok with him that I do that, that I'm fucking Mickey and other boys.  I feel so differently about everything now. I feel bad for Mickey and I'm angry at the same time for him not being able to talk to me about everything---but maybe he is growing up. He's talking to me now, and I'm so happy.

He also told me it used to bother him a lot that I slept with other guys! But now it doesn't, cuz he sees other girls so he has no right to stop me.  Without coming right out and saying it, I think he was telling me he has deep feelings for me. He said, if he moved here, he'd probably eventually meet someone and what would he do with his feelings for me?? He said marriage and kids is in the plan someday, and if it did, I told him I'd have to be ok with it and let him go. I'm not stupid--I can't give him that and I want him to be happy. He said he wouldn't want me to let him go! That he'd still want me in his life and he wouldn't know how to handle that. I don't have an answer for that, because I feel the same way. He wanted answers---like if I could reassure him things would be fine between me and my hubby and all he would move here. I finally told him, let's smoke some weed and talk it out all three of us. He said sounds great--he'll call collect soon and we'll chat.

He's asked to work at this particular pizza store where they have free WIFI so he can write me more!! yay!!! So he ended with he'll talk to me tonight. So that's 2 days in a row!!!

My best GF is too busy to talk. I need some advice!! Should he move here or shouldn't he? Readers? What do you think?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It's Raining Men!! Hallelujah!

WOW When it rains it pours, and baby, yesterday it poured! I realized last night, laying in bed after masturbating on the phone with Sam, that I'm involved with 5 guys (including my hubby). I was supposed to hook up with this military hottie I'd been chatting with on the website, but he never showed up, never called! LOL I didn't even care, I was really more annoyed than anything cuz I sat around waiting for him for like 3 hours and that really pissed me off. He'd texted me he would call or text me when he was on his way and I never heard from him after that. FUCK I was ticked off.

BUT----the 4 other guys totally made up for it! FIrst of all, B, the actor/model extraordinaire was chatting nasty stuff to me on Yahoo messenger. I was like whoa---you're still thinking about me?? Yay! I was sooo thrilled!! I haven't heard from him in months. He gets hotter and more sexier every time I hear from him. You have to know this about B--he is a new but somewhat famous actor on a TV show and is quite young and wealthy, not to mention a model with the most amazing body. He is on a billboard on Hollywood Blvd!!! So anyway, that was definitely a great choice to hook up with him. Too bad he didn't get me pregnant.

Ok, so I'm reeling with joy that B contacted me--and lo and behold, it's Mickey, who starts his IM with, "hi there pretty girl". OMG Mr. I-can't-express-any-feelings-whatsoever-or give-compliments has suddenly gotten very real. It's wonderful.  We wrote on yahoo messenger off and on for 6 hours!! SIX HOURS!!!!  He has no internet now, even sold his computer, cuz he lost his driver's license for a year for his speeding tickets. The only way we can communicate is by yahoo messenger, when he gets free wifi, on his iTouch. Sad, i know. But it's temporary. And I love love love how he's sneaking into Starbucks while he's at work to write me! He said that since he can't deliver pizzas anymore (cuzz he can't drive for a year) he's cooking instead, and occasionally they send him to other stores, and this one has WIFI so he can write me. He said he's going to ask if he can work there all the time---so he can write me!!!  So who is this new Mickey???? Hmmmm idk but I like him a whole lot better!!!

So, while I'm IM'ing B and Mickey, Sam texts me he wants to try phone sex with me. Sounds great to me! So as soon as the kids are in bed, I poured myself a glass of chardonnay, brushed my teeth, touseled by hair, and put on a sexy, lacy red negilgee to get in the mood. I lie and tell Mickey I need to call my GF, her mom's in the hospital (that part isn't a lie, but I didn't need to call her) cuz I don't want to lose our connection while I'm on the phone with Sam.

I'm texting my hubby at the same time all this is happening! B doesn't write anymore, so he's out for now, I tell Mickey I will BRB, and so I concentrate on Sam for about a half hour. It's the first time I've heard his voice, and it's thankfully sexy. I light a candle and turn off my nightstand lamp, and get cozy with my hand on my pussy, and Sam is telliing me what he's doing to that hard cock of his 1500 miles away.  Our voices are thick and heavy with passion as we whisper what we want to do to each other. I cum right away---I was horny all day since I thought Military Guy was coming over for a little afternoon delight. Sam didn't, and he was bothered by it, and he didn't believe I really did cum. I was like, dude, I am always horny. I don't fake my orgasms! Jeez!!! So he was like, ok, I'm sorry. I said it's ok, I get it, it's over the phone so no way to know for sure. We both agree tho that he should buy a fucking plane ticket and cum see me :)

I hung up to let Sam finish himself on his own. I was growing bored and wanted to get back to my conversation with Mickey, which resumed for another hour or so. It was getting very late, so I just said hey, I needed to get some sleep. I didn't want to sign off, I wanted to see what he was going to say, so I just kept the phone close by and fell asleep. Hours later I woke to go to the bathroom, and he'd written, "I've got to go, night sweetheart". SWEETHEART?????  WHEN HAS MICKEY EVER CALLED ME SWEETHEART??? wow so in one IM, I'm "pretty girl", "sexy girl", and "sweetheart". AND he's changing his job location (if he can) just so he can write me?? What's going on???

Who cares?!!!? I'm happy.

My hubby's happy.

Oh yeah. Life is good.