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Thursday, February 24, 2011

The winter blahs have taken over my soul

My dry spell goes on. I am thinking of canceling my profile on the dating website cuz I'm so sick and tired of flakes! I am sick and tired of the texting, exchanging sexy pics, sexy talk, and then when it comes time to actually meet, these guys disappear. I feel like I'm wasting my money and my time. Guys sure know how to talk a big talk but not walk the walk. What is it they want?? They advertise how big their dicks are, how good they are in bed, yada yada yada but no one seems to want to meet a real woman.  I'm so done with it.

I think I told you last blog post I thought I found someone who could possibly fill Mickey's shoes. I found him on the website. He's disappeared now too. He sent me sexy pics and videos of him masturbating--very nice, yes, but I have spent the last 2 weeks trying to pin him down to a date and he's gone AWOL. I'm so annoyed. I honestly don't take it personally. I know I'm sexy, I'm honest, I'm good in bed (well, so I've been told....I do know I love sex and love to please). I take good care of myself, dress nice, smell good LOL and these guys haven't even met me so how can I feel rejected???

ON THE OTHER HAND, I do take it personally when I don't hear from Mickey. He has been amazing the last few months. For example, I was driving to the airport one day last week to pick up my hubby, and I called Mickey. For the record, I almost NEVER call him. I don't want to bug him. So this was unusual. Well, his voicemail picked up, so I just left a short happy message. HE CALLED ME RIGHT BACK!! It was sooooo wonderful hearing his sexy voice, and just knowing he actually called me right back. We chatted the whole drive, and I actually had to say, "I have to let you go, I'm here and I have to call my hubby." Instead of me clinging and clinging like I usually do, I initiated the hang-up so I thought that was good. He is really opening up to me, we talked again about him moving out here. I told him I didn't want to pressure him, and he said he didn't feel pressured. I said, "why don't you just come out for a visit and see if you like it here?" and he agreed that was a good idea. We had a great talk. He said he's really ready for a change--he's going on a liquid fast, and that he was going to stop drinking AND having sex for a month, including no masturbating! I just told him how proud of him I was. There's more but I don't want to bore my audience. I'll move on and just say that he had been texting me nearly every day as well----until this week. Three of my texts have gone unresponded to. I did check his GF's FB page (it's private) but her relationship status has changed from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated", so I guess he's broken up with her--YAY! It's so hard for me to "just chill" and let him come to me, but he always does, so I'm trying to just breathe now every time I think of texting or calling him. He obviously needs room--SOMETHING is going on with him, cuz it's not like him (now, anyway) to not write me back. I'm pretending I've got a life and I'm so busy I hardly notice he hasn't gotten back to me. What a joke. I'm trying.

I guess my challenge is--I need to get a life. I had a life till we moved, and it's been 7 months and I am just really depressed and lonely. I have a job interview tomorrow so hopefully if I get it that will get me out of the house and meet people.

We had a few spring-y days last week, nearly all the snow had melted and the sun was out and I could see green grass in the yard! I went outside and just sucked up some rays and felt the frozen grass with my fingers. I could taste the excitement of warmer weather and outdoor fun. The next day we got 6 inches of snow and haven't seen the sun since. I've loved the snow so far, but the tease of spring was cruel.  I decided to stop pouting and ran out to make a snowman with my daughter. It was just what I needed---it was so fun!! But now the blahs are back again. I've really gotta get my life together. I can't sit around and wait for Mickey, I need to make some plans for myself.  Now I know why people here teased us so much about leaving behind the Gold Coast. I'm sooo missing LA.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My Not-So-Hot Valentine Virginity Story

It's Valentine's Day, and tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I lost my virginity at age 20.  I got to reminiscing, and although the lucky fellow was only in my life for a few brief months, I can't forget him, even if I wanted to. A girl never forgets the day she loses her virginity, whether it was a pleasant experience or not. The day after V-Day I always think about that day, many many years and men ago. I feel both giddy and wistful.

I was a late bloomer---I really didn't become very attractive really until I hit my 40's. All during my childhood years I had unruly hair and glasses. By 6th grade, I did have a knockout body.  By high school, although flat irons hadn't yet been invented, I did learn how to properly blow-dry my unruly curls out straight. I had my first serious boyfriend, although we never got past 2nd base. It just didn't occur to us I guess. We graduated and went our separate ways, and by my second year in college, I had contacts but no social life. I was a serious student till I met Jesse.

I was working at a fast-food restaurant, and one of my co-workers, Glenda, was a blonde bombshell with an equally cute boyfriend named Frank. Frank came into the restaurant late at night often to hang out and wait for Glenda and the restaurant to close and drive her home.  Frank would often wink at me when Glenda wasn't looking, and it made me titillated and uncomfortable at the same time. Jesse was Frank's best buddy.

This was during the time period when "Rocky Horror Picture Show" was playing at midnight in all the theaters. Frank worked in one of the local theaters, and one night, after work, he drove me and Glenda to the theater to see the midnight showing. Waiting for us there was his friend Jesse. We hit it off immediately, and I guess we became boyfriend and girlfriend.

After a few weeks of dating, which included heavy petting at drive-in movies (we ditched the theaters), it was Valentine's Day. I don't remember why he couldn't see me ON Valentine's Day, but we got together the day after. I went to his house; I think he lived with his dad, I don't remember, but we were alone. He took out a joint, and although I was quite a prude at the time, I didn't want him to know it, so when he passed it to me, I took a hit off it. It didn't take much to make me high. One thing led to another, and all our clothes were off. He was so good-looking---think Erik Estrada in his hey-day (which was during this time period!)

All I remember is, it went in. Yep, slid right in. It hurt, I bled a little, but it went in. We did it exactly once, and he broke my heart and broke up with me the following week. I sobbed for days, then realized at least he'd given me the gift of breaking my hymen so I was able to FINALLY, at age 20, wear tampons!!

I think back to that moment, so long ago, and how it affected my future sexual relationships. I don't think it has a thing to do with how I've ended up a swinger/polyamorist, although I do remember something very hot that happened with Frank and Glenda one night. Glenda had taken me along on a family camping trip one hot summer weekend, and we shared a tent, just the two of us girls. Unbeknownst to her parents, Frank snuck in and visited us one night. It was a beautiful summer night, the dark sky filled with stars, and everyone was quiet in their tents. We sat by our small campfire talking for awhile, then went into our tent. It was a very small tent. I crawled into my sleeping bag, and Glenda and Frank were in her sleeping bag. As I tried to fall asleep, I heard them whispering, but left them alone. Like I said, it was a very small tent. They were within touching distance, had it occurred to me. It wasn't long till I heard very heavy breathing, and soft moans. I was shocked and aroused, laying there in the dark, facing away from them. Wide-eyed and horny, I heard my friends fucking and wanted desperately to watch. Although it was dark, I'm sure I could've seen quite a bit given that the campground had some dim lighting. I laid there as still as a statue, and afterward, as soon as I was certain they'd fallen asleep, I masturbated, laying right next to them. It was by far the naughtiest thing I'd ever done.

Sure pales in comparison to the naughty things I've been up to ever since.

Do you have a loss of virginity story you want to share with me? You can write me at I'll keep it to myself; I'd just love to hear it.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

B is coming to visit, Mickey calls me, and a new boytoy shows me his stuff

Since we moved to this new frozen tundra, I've had a hard time meeting new people, not just possible lovers but girlfriends too! I'm lonely a lot of the time. The website I've got a profile on has been a lot of fun and very good for my ego, but I still haven't hooked up with anyone yet!! I know I'm picky, but I have found a lot of attractive guys, given out my cell number, yahoo messenger address, etc., but something always happens. I've been stood up twice; but most of the time texts fly back and forth, nasty pics sent and received,  but when it comes time to actually meeting me, there's always an excuse. I feel like I'm sooo forward sometimes, jeez, like I'm begging, but it gets old. I just want someone to show up!

I'm happy to report that B has come back into the picture suddenly! He is writing me as I write this. I love how he hasn't forgotten about me! He's gotten to be an even bigger star, for those of you new to my blog, I met this gorgeous Johnny Depp lookalike in Hollywood over the summer. He is a model and an actor--he's on a popular TV show (can't say the name) and his face is on billboards all over Hollywood. I found him thru Craigslist ironically, my hubby and I were on a weekend getaway and put an ad on CL for a 3-sum and he answered the ad. I got over 200 replies and his pic was too good to be true, but he was for real! We ended up seeing each other without my hubby (I don't remember why actually...) but it was so fun. (See my detailed sex blog about our encounter--titled "Meeting B--a fantasy fulfilled" in my July 2010 archive).

The big thing with him is, yes, he is full of himself LOL guess he has good reason to be! If I wasn't happily married I'd be in love with him. He was a great fuck too, the biggest cock I've ever had. Even bigger than my hubby, he was at least 10 inches. And honestly, aside from the "WOW" factor, bigger isn't necessarily better. I'm petite, and damn, that thing hurt, as great as it felt it was like "SHIT THAT COCK IS GOING TO KILL ME"!! hahaha but he was the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and he is 25 years old and is totally into ME!

So, ok, B is writing me, that's totally awesome. He still wants me to have his baby LOL he didn't know I moved clear across the country and is trying to figure out how to see me! (I don't want to tell him I can't have kids anymore---it's called menopause---I look 20 years younger than my age so he thinks I can get pregnant. Sadly, I can't). It'll never happen, but if he actually contemplates getting on a plane, I'll tell him the truth.

Mickey is making me crazy. He actually CALLED me a few days ago, it was soooo wonderful to hear his voice. First time I've heard it in 6 months. I loved it. He was at work, and thinking of me :) yay! We had a nice talk. He told me he'd move here in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the snow. He said he hates snow! I didn't know the weather would keep him away.  I get so nervous talking to him--I feel like i'm in high school again, the boy I have a crush on finally calls me and I'm completely shy and tongue-tied. It didn't help that my son was right there, I couldn't say what I wanted. I wanted to tell him, Come here. Leave it all behind and let us take care of you. We love you. You can go back to school. (I did tell him that). You don't have to pay rent. You can cook and clean for us, get a new life for yourself. I love you enough to do that for you. Tell our kids about you. Yes, we both care about you that much. Stop the whoring on that website, and living with someone cuz she owes you money. Where are your morals boy?? But I couldn't say any of that. It was awkward, but I was happy he called me. Happy he wasn't content to just text.

I always come one too strong. We had such a pretty morning yesterday, I took a few pics with my iPhone and sent them to him. Pics of the guest room--"Mickey's room" I told him--our dog running in the snow, and pics of the house. I never heard back. I just texted him, "is everything ok? It's not like you to not text me back." hahah that is the biggest joke of all---he is SOOOO like that!!! (thought I'd try reverse psychology). That was 11 minutes ago and no response. Fucker.

OMG B wants me to fly him out here! HOW COOL IS THAT?????


I found a very hot, 20 year-old rocker-type on the website yesterday! For me, it was lust at first sight! I got wet just looking at his profile pic. I wrote to him immediately and we exchanged yahoo messenger addresses. I gave him my phone number right away so we could text instead, and we texted all day off and on, lots of sexy pics going back and forth. He wanted to get on the webcam and damn I did too---but  my hubby gave me a better option!! He was horny just hearing about my new crush and we had the hottest sex we've had in a long time! I got Mr. Rocker so hot he sent me a video to my phone of him jerking off. It was sooo exciting to watch! He lives in a neighboring state, about an hour's drive, and wouldn't you know it, he doesn't have a car??? So I told him I'd drive out to see him. He had a zillion excuses. Roommates there. Then he has "things he has to do". I said how about next week? It's his birthday and he's going to be busy all week. Oh well, another hot guy who's all talk. What's up with these guys anyways??


Still no answer from Mickey. So what else is new.

Guess I gotta get ready for a visit from B! WHOO HOO!!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

New opportunities with an old friend and a new friend

It's snowing like a mutherfucker here right now and I'm coming down with some sort of flu or cold, I'm not sure, but I'm glad I've got time to write today. Lots to catch up on! Ok, Mickey update first---I'm so happy he's got a phone cuz he's texting me all the time now! He opened up to me a little a couple days ago---it was really amazing to finally get in his head a little. He was in rare form. He actually said, "I miss you"!!!!

He apologized profusely for "freaking out over the Tweet thing", saying that "she" (he never referred to her as his girlfriend) found one of our chats and was asking questions about us. He said they aren't serious, rather she owes him a lot of money and he's only sticking around till she pays him back! He was upset that if she found out about "us" (HIS term!! There's an 'us'? yay!) he would be "screwed". So, it wasn't that he was worried about hurting her! I am shocked. And relieved. He said he's not making much money now so he really needs her to pay him back.

He talked about the porn site--I think he is desperate. He said it's either that or sell weed, and he doesn't want to do that either, and that he's scared to actually do anything yet and hasn't. I told him I was upset about it, I didn't like that his face would be seen and he might regret it.

He also apologized for missing my birthday and said "happy late b-day". I texted him a pic of me I'd just taken a few days ago, all dressed up to go out, and he said, "I like your hair". That's the closest I've gotten to a compliment from him. (I'll take it). He thanked me for the Christmas card and pics I sent him and said, "I loved them". WOW he has never said the word LOVE in any form, so that was neat. He said he wished he could've visited me yay! So of course I told him that we'll fly him out anytime. The guest room has a brand-new bed in it and it's ready for him! And lastly, he said that "moving there is starting to sound good right now", and that he wants to find a good job. So of course I'm checking out what's here and sending him info. My hubby was pleased to hear all this and we'll see what he does. I love hearing from him, and he seems to need me right now, and I love it.

I found a book in a bookstore called, "The Threesome Handbook", and my hubby and I are reading it together. He says I could've written it LOL and I guess he's right. We have learned a few things and we are talking more than we were. Communication is the most important thing if you're going to have this lifestyle, and with our crazy schedules, we don't always communicate as well as we should. He really wants to include a woman and I just don't know how I feel about that. I haven't been really ok with it so far, I don't really know what I'm turned off to the idea, but it is something my hubby would like so I told him I will really think about it and let him know. Am I threatened by another woman, do I worry she'll steal him away? Yeah, I'm sure that's a huge part of it. I really don't get how he can let me be with other men and be okay with it. He gets more turned on than jealous, and I guess he must feel pretty secure about me, so that's awesome. Most of the time I try not to think about our lifestyle, because we've always said that if we think about it too much, we feel too shameful and guilty and weird and we'd probably stop doing it, but don't want to. Reading this book has helped with those feelings---the author is so frank about it being simply, an alternative lifestyle, calling it "modern". (so much better than "swinging". I really hate that term). A monogamous marriage is simply called "a closed relationship", and is neither better nor worse than a "modern" marriage (ours). A choice, not morally corrupt.

I know a couple who have been married 11 years, two kids, and they have a closed marriage. My hubby swears he's probably cheated on her several times, and if he were to even think she thought another guy was hot he'd have a shit-fit. So, I look at their marriage, and think to myself, hey, we treat each other better. We'd never cheat on each other--why would we?? If my hubby finds a woman attractive, he tells me. Vice versa. No big deal. Why can't more people be honest with each other? If there were more marriages like ours, I really feel there would be fewer divorces.

We are actually discussing telling our kids. It's more worrisome to think that with the stuff they might overhear, or see (as in me getting Mickey's texts all the time) that they might think I'm cheating on their daddy. I told my hubby not for now--if Mickey comes to live with us yes, but not right now. We aren't seeing anyone (unfortunately!!!) so why say anything now?

I had to laugh when I was reading in the 'Handbook" how we are probably misreading the flirtations of possible sex partners! It was saying how there are some interests people have that are generally thought of as open-minded (such as artists and musicians). So, I was thinking about this yesterday at the grocery store! I was getting a pound of bacon from the deli counter, and the guy helping me was really cute except for a shaggy beard. I could see a sleeve of tattoos peeking out from his white butcher's coat, and thought of the book. He was really friendly, even introduced himself by name (I'll call him Tony) and put out his hand to greet me! He said he's the new deli manager and we stood and talked for about 15 minutes. He's married, and he seemed very happy with his life. We talked about the snow and the impending storm and he was telling me how he snowplows his neighbors' drives for them. I never would've thought he might be flirting with me or be in a "modern" marriage had I not read that in the book. I vowed to myself upon saying our goodbyes that I would keep an open mind myself and see if there's an opportunity with him and his wife there! (maybe invite them over sometime? Give him my cell number next week when I go shopping??)

Opportunities abound! We just have to be willing to see them.

Now to help find Mickey a job here!