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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

An amazing night in Jake's arms

     We had just gotten to my room, a $500 a night, 5-star hotel in downtown Chicago. Standing next to the bed in my $500 BCBG dress, with nothing on underneath but white, lacy panties, and Michael Kors heels, I was fiddling around with my iPhone and the hotel's iDock, trying to find some music to set the mood. Jake came up behind me and put his warm hands softly on my shoulders and stroked my arms. Pushing my hair to one side, he began nibbling my neck, and I began to melt. He unzipped my dress and being that it was a halter-dress, he undid the bow at the neck and continued to kiss my neck. I allowed myself to melt into his touch, his warm hands, and let him show his affection for me.

     The halter-dress didn't allow for a bra, and Jake quickly discovered this delicious fact as his hands found my naked breasts as the dress fell forward off my body. As it fell, I stepped out of it and he slipped my panties down my bare, tanned legs, and I slipped them off my feet. I tossed my phone down, not giving a shit anymore about music, and saw that he was shirtless,  just in his jeans. He looked beautiful. He was young and sexy, skinny and sporting a new heart tattoo on the front of his right shoulder. The dim yellow light from the vibrant city shining on him, I saw his sweet face and warm smile. I was filled with desire for him and felt my heart racing as my hands touched the soft skin of his chest. He pulled me close and kissed me hungrily, his tongue searching for mine. I felt my blood hot through my whole body. I was on fire. I literally succumbed to my desire for him and let him do whatever he wanted to me. With me, for me, to me. I gave myself to him.

     I don't remember how or when his jeans came off, he was just suddenly naked, laying on his back on one of the two beds in the hotel room. He looked scrumptious. I was so hungry for him. I didn't know where to begin, and neither did he, we wanted each other so badly.

     Over the next three hours, we made love in every position I can think of. We just couldn't get enough of each other. He is so tender, so sweet. He's huge, 10 inches, and he kept saying how much he loved how "tight" my pussy was. It was also too small to hold all 10 inches of him! He'd be very tender, not thrusting too hard. He'd go in gently every time, making sure it didn't hurt and that I was ok. Then we'd fuck like crazy rabbits. We just kept going. I couldn't believe he could go for so long without coming, but he did. And he was rock-hard the whole time. I wasn't getting tired, my desire for him was so strong.

     We fucked every which way imaginable. Doggy-style, reverse cow-girl. Me on top, him on top. Against the wall. At the edge of the bed. 69. But my favorite was this spooning position, him entering from behind me, with his arms wrapped around me tight. I absolutely loved being held like that while he fucked me. I felt so loved. It was warm and amazing. Little did I know it was only going to get better.

     He always asked if I was ok. He was always gentle, even when we were going at it. We were so sweaty, the sheets were soaked, but we were so into each other we hardly noticed. He loved the way I gave him oral, and I loved how he'd sweetly show me or tell me the way he liked me to do it for him. He is so emotionally mature for being only 18. Did I forget to tell you he's only 18?? He's 18 and amazing. With an old soul I believe, for he's mature beyond his years. Calm, thoughtful, affectionate, passionate, tender and a gentleman.
     He was surprised to hear me tell him that it was a night of "firsts". I'd never had another man bring me to orgasm---with as many lovers as I've had (except for the girls--they know how to touch a girl!) no other guy but my hubby has ever made me orgasm! And he did!! YAY!!! I was so happy! It was so easy to let go with him. I am so comfortable with him, he is like a second skin to me. The Yin to my Yang. I fall into his spell so easily.

I'll never forget it. He was touching me, touching my clit, just the way I love to be touched. As I was moaning and squirming, he was breathing on my neck, getting as excited as I was. I've never had a guy do what he started to do--comment on it! It was soooo sexy. He said, "Ooo, I feel your legs tightening up." You're squirming, it feels good, doesn't it?" "You're breathing harder, you're almost there, aren't you?" he was an amazing lover! and yes, I did come, and he was so happy, I could feel how happy he was to bring me to a climax, he held me close while I was writhing and we rode the rollercoaster of ecstasy together. I'd never, ever, ever, had that with anyone else.

     Another first was spending the whole night with him. Even with Mickey, I'd never actually spent a whole night with anyone else. And you know what? After he came (after 3 amazing hours), we laughed and were glad we had another bed to sleep on! The other one was soaked. We were giggling about it.  We got into the clean, unused bed to sleep. I had gone to go to the bathroom, and when I came back he had on his jeans (guess he hadn't worn any boxers....). So I put on a sexy blue lace matching panties and bra and got into bed with him.

     He laid on his back, and put his arm around me. I laid close to him, smelling how sexy he smelled (I could still smell his cologne too). He is so affectionate. We chatted a little bit, but I didn't want to be annoying. I know guys want to fall asleep after sex and women like to talk, so I was cognizant of that fact. Somewhere in-between chatting, we fell asleep, but I remember telling him that I would probably push him away cuz I didn't like to be touched while I slept.

     Was I ever wrong about that!

     Jake held me close ALL NIGHT LONG. He never stopped holding me.

     It was the most amazing night's sleep I've ever had. Several times I'd awaken, and I'd say, 'Do you want your arm back?" and he'd say sweetly, "no, I'm good". No matter what position I'd move into, he'd mold his body to mine, and hold me tight. I felt so-o-o-o-o loved, so adored. I never wanted to leave him.
Spooning he snuggled his head right into my neck, his arms holding me tightly. Whichever position---cuddling, facing him, snuggled into his armpit, it was heaven. His long arms held me close the whole night long. He never let go, and I never wanted him to.

     In the morning, I woke up early, 8:22 in fact. I had a 2 hr drive ahead of me and knew my hubby and kids would want me home, so I left my Jake's warm embrace to go shower. He slept the whole time, and when I emerged, clean and clean smelling, hair and makeup all done, I found him still in bed and kissed him. Damn he looked sexy. I wanted him to shower and make love to me again. Neither of us had eaten but I didn't care. I wanted him again, even though I was so sore. He declined showering, and I wasn't really sure what he wanted to do. I really wanted him to shower so we'd both be clean and start fresh, so I was kind of like, hmmm, not sure if I'm attracted to you right now, and he wasn't telling me what he wanted,  so I decided to just go home.

     He'd taken the train, so I just drove him to the train station, which was like a 10 minute drive. I wasn't done with him. I hadn't wanted to leave our bed. Why do I have such trouble knowing what I want sometimes? I was eager to get home and not eager. I didn't know when I'd see him again and that made it all the harder. He wasn't talking either, didn't really give an opinion either way, so that wasn't helping. I know he was just allowing me to make the decisions since I had a husband and family to get back to and he had no plans, I get that now. But I wish he'd said something like, 'gee, I really wish we'd cuddle longer", or "let's have one more go-round"--something like that. He gave me a quick hug and kiss, and he was gone. I turned around several times to wave goodbye but couldn't see him once he left my car. I was instantly sad and lonely for him.

     About a half hour into my drive home, I burst into tears. I missed his touch so badly. Thinking about the way he held me all night long. I haven't felt that needed and loved in so long, and I was aching to feel him again. I realized I have intimacy problems, and he's just the guy to break down my walls.

I'm totally falling for him.

Mickey who???

Monday, May 16, 2011

Mickey's version

Ok so I decided I wasn't done. Who knows if I'll ever be done with him. I decided to just pretend I didn't see her video and just go on as usual. So, I texted him. A LOT. Yesterday I just decided to lamblast him with texts. How could he just ignore me? I was having fun. I thought, Fuck her, fuck you, I'm going to get you in trouble. Poke him till he pops. No response until I said, "well, I guess you're not talking to me suddenly, don't know why."  He texted me, "sorry, I've just been real busy." Yeah, busy fucking your EX-GF, busy working with her and LIVING with her!! Said he's ok, just "all work and no play." Am I seriously supposed to believe this? I'm laughing inside reading it. I told him, "can you get a couple days off and come visit?" He said, "not at the moment. I have no roomie so I'm kinda short on cash", then went on to tell me how he almost had to get rid of his phone but cancelled his internet instead. I said, "so, you live alone? Hmm, must be rough." (meaning financially). He said, "no, LOL I love it!" I told him, "ok, I'll come see you then. I'll stay at your place and cook for you." He said, "sorry, I wouldn't have any time for you." I said, "you seriously work that much?" and he said, "yeah, sorry."

He didn't text after that. I wrote a few texts, asked him, "no time for a gf?" and "do you miss me?" and no replies. I said, "I don't miss you!" then sent "LOL" so that's where it stands. He denies it, and I'm left thinking, could she have a different boyfriend who works at a pizza place--all the time??? My girlfriend was furious at me for thinking so. She is tired of me having my head in the sand. I know she's right. I'm 1800 miles away, he can tell me anything he wants. And vice versa. I should start making up lies as well.

I'm hoping to see Jake this week! My hubby has suggested I get a room and spend the night with him! He's a 2 hr drive away so that might be fun.....

Speaking of hubby, we are doing great. He had another girl after him, another former co-worker who contacted him (we'll call her Annie) and they had some sexy texting going on. I was actually ok. Turned me on actually. So that's good.

That's all for now. Hope you're all having a good week and if you're reading this, I'd love to hear from you.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Cyber-stalking to find out the truth

My BFF says it's all Mickey's fault. His refusal to text me back and return phone calls (or even answer when I call) causes me to do the kind of cyber snooping that I do. He refuses to be honest, to tell me, "hey sweetie, I've gotten back with my girlfriend, so we're gonna have to cool it for now." NO MICKEY IS AN ASSHOLE. He wants to string me along so that I'll come running back to him LIKE I ALWAYS DO when he drops her.

So...this unease of mine and fear (and I'll admit, too much time on my hands) led me to google her. I found some very interesting things out about the two of them. I found some amazing poetry she'd written about him from 2009. He'd very much broken her heart (surprise, surprise) and she was very eloquent.  I couldn't believe what a good writer she is. I felt her pain in her words, mostly because we are in love with the same guy, and he has broken both our hearts more than once.

I found her video channel, where she lays on her stomach and flips her hair constantly for up to an hour, talking to hundreds of watching strangers about her stupid dog and-----her boyfriend. Mickey.

Her, to her online watchers: "Yes, I have a boyfriend".

"Where is he? He's not here. He's at the pizza place. Where he always is."

"I work with him. I help him out in his pizza business."

"Yes, we live together."

That did it.

So, he's not writing me back BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS HE BACK WITH HIS GF, THEY LIVE AND WORK TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What an asshole.

She can have him.

Oh, and by the way, this video was recorded May 9, 2011.

Three days ago.

I'm done.

blogger lost my last post

Scary how a glitch in the system, or whatever the fuck was going on, led to yesterday's post being lost. I am reminded that the cyber world is not a real one, and in the blink of an eye, it can all disappear.

Guess I ought to print out everything I've posted, just in case.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

the origin of marriage--check this out!!!

the origin of marriage---check out this link. In my journey to rid myself of my insecurities and jealousy issues, I thought it interesting to check out the very definition of what a marriage is, where it began,  where it is now, and where it is going. Today's paper has a front page article about marriage called, "Married Households Wane".  So far, in my Internet searchings, I have found one instance where men "owned" women, but not where a woman ever "owned" a man.

In other words, in a marriage, to me, each gives to the other freely.

It is the 21st century people. What marriage used to mean, and what its purpose was, has changed radically in the last 40 years. We no longer "need" to get married, we get married because we WANT to BE married. But what does that actually mean? Are we living today by yesterday's antiquated notions of what a marriage is?

I just think of my "vanilla" friends who are caught up in jealousy and possessiveness. The way I am right now, in other words. It's exhausting, and really pointless. Think about how hard vanilla couples try to stay faithful to one another. I have some very good friends that are young, in their 30's, and it's just about all the wife thinks about. The husband travels frequently with his job, leaving his young pretty wife alone with the kids most weekdays, and she worries he's cheating on her. Knowing him, he may be--he's good-looking, arrogant and charming. But she's no slouch either---she's a Britney Spears lookalike, and gets plenty of looks.  She brags that one time they were out at a bar and a guy was checking her out and her husband punched him. Punched him! Is that how we deal with attractions to other people? We punch them out????

Now, she didn't even admit to being attracted to this other guy. But I'm sure it's not the first time someone had given her attention, and believe me, I know how lonely my friend is. Instead of spending all her time worrying about what her husband may or may not be doing on his business trips, why not have some fun of her own? What if they had an open marriage instead? What if they were both open to the idea that they will always be attracted to other people, and if they allowed themselves to stop feeling shameful they could improve their relationship?

I know, this is a big leap from a guy who punches another just for looking at his girl. You might call him a Neanderthal, but isn't it only natural to fight for someone you love? Who can blame him? He is only acting like he's been taught. We've all been taught that when we fall in love, we OWN that person's heart. YOU ARE MINE. DON'T LOOK AT HIM/HER.  As a relationship goes from those first flirtations to long-term, it's in our nature to look around and see what else is out there.

Dr. Laura says to channel that flirtation back into your marriage. We do that. It's not enough. The sexual drive is so strong, and yes, we're not wild animals, we have the ability to reason and not act out.

But how happy are most long-term married folk? How many have secretly had affairs? What if that wasn't necessary? Imagine being able to have your cake and eat it too.

Imagine being in a relationship that was free. Free from ownership. Free from jealousy. Free from insecurities, free from worrying that our loved one will flee. If you have evolved from all that as my one girlfriend has (the one in the open marriage I told you about the other day) then you can have a wonderful marriage.

She says you can't stop your loved one from falling in love with someone else. How good does it feel to be controlling? I know my vanilla friends are very possessive of one another and frequently argue--"I saw you looking at her tits!" This diminishes her worth in her eyes, every time he does look at another woman's breasts. But does it have to be that way? What if it had nothing to do with her? What if she were to fully enjoy the gaze of another man? What if she allowed herself to enjoy his touch? Would it diminish their love for each other?

Most married couples would answer "YES!! ABSOLUTELY!!' In many wedding vows are the words, "....and forsake all others". That's not hard in the beginning as you feel the fluttery butterflies of new love. But what happens as 10 years, 15 year + go on? As the tediousness and routineness of married life, especially once kids come. We grow, we change, our needs change, and as we age, we need different things and different people. I know I have different friends, why not different sexual partners?

I know,  I know, this is way out there for most people. I'm still new at this myself, even though we've been swinging for over 6 years, I realize I'm still very jealous and possessive of my husband. I don't own him, I don't own his heart or his penis just because he married me.

There are different definitions of what a marriage is, and for some, if not most people, totally monogamy is the way to go. I am finding out that even though that is what I thought I wanted, it isn't what suits me nor my husband anymore.

Sometimes it makes me sad to think of our wedding day, I couldn't imagine ever looking at another man or having sex with anyone else. And I struggled for years after meeting Mickey--what did it mean that I loved this other man? I knew I hadn't stopped loving my husband, in fact, we were closer than ever. I felt so fucked up, how could this be?? This wasn't how I was raised!!! What's wrong with me??? What's wrong with us???

It's taken all this time, experience, reading, lots of therapy and good friends and a great husband to realize that we can redefine what a marriage means to US and have it be different than what a marriage might mean to someone else. No one else has to know, no one else has to approve. It is between the two of us.

18 years ago, we vowed to love one another (we left out the "forsake all others", interesting?") and we do. I am 100% committed to staying married to him and love him deeply. I know he feels the same way. It's very hard overcoming a lifetime of "shoulds" and roles we can't play. But we're in this together, and together, we'll fight for our relationship without punches. Without jealousy, without possessiveness.
Without ownership.

I have a long way to go, but I'm excited for the journey.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A happy ending

Hello and welcome to my new readers! I'm always happy to see new readers and I welcome your feedback. I am anonymous on here so I can be as honest as possible, no-holds-barred honest, and hope you'll do the same for me.

A long talk with a close girlfriend of mine made all the difference in the world in how things have turned out for me and my hubby. She is in an open relationship as well (but not married and no kids) but nonetheless, committed to her boyfriend of 6 years. She has done a lot of work on herself--gone to women's retreats, lots of therapy, and lots of reading and meditation and years of hard work on herself and her self-esteem issues. She is where I think my hubby is right now, and I'm where they both began. I have a long way to go.

At the core of what's going on with me and my hubby, and the disastrous week we've had, she said, is me. The problem, is me. WOW that was hard to swallow. How could it be MY fault? I told her the whole story. She insists it's still ultimately my fault. WOW guess you could call that a good friend. She wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear ('he's an insensitive dickweed!") but the truth as she saw it.

The basics of what she was trying to say is this--Just because we're married doesn't mean I own his penis. Or his heart, or his mind, or his anything. He is with me because he WANTS to be with me, not because he's being CONTROLLED BY ME. She insisted no one owns anybody.  

She said it's vital to remember that. I DON'T OWN MY HUSBAND JUST BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO HIM. And, likewise, he doesn't own me. We are on this planet to love many people. How can one person be the be-all and end-all to one other person???? It's impossible. Look at me! For God's sake, how many lovers do I juggle? I had to admit she was right. As much as I love my husband, he is not enough for me. I need others. I can love others. I love Mickey, and I sure as hell don't want to give him up, and my hubby has not asked me to. He is evolved enough to realize that I need him, and he makes me happy, and in turn, makes my hubby happy. I can give part of me to someone else, and it benefits my marriage.

It is true. I have never understood how being with other guys sexually has made me more in love and happier with my husband, but it's true. I spent 4 years in therapy, bi-weekly, trying to answer that question: "is there something wrong with my marriage that I'm attracted to other people?" I never got a yes answer, because no matter how many ways we sliced it, I wasn't unhappy with my husband. He's wonderful.  He just is unable to complete me just as I can't complete him.

I cried realizing this. I just felt so bad for the poor guy. After all I'd put him through with Mickey, I was finally able to feel the pain and agony he'd endured to get over his overwhelming jealousy when I first met Mickey. I was oblivious and impervious to his pain because I was so smitten I didn't want to see it. How cold I was! Oh my God, I just cried for my hubby. He loved me, and loves me enough, to allow me to have Mickey, and others, because I need them. I'm not fucked up, I'm needy, I'm normal, and he gets me. How lucky I am.

Armed with this new way of looking at the situation, all the anger I felt towards my hubby for not being able to read my mind; all the anger I felt at him not "knowing instinctively" what I was thinking, and all the rage I felt at him being attracted to another woman and wanting her sexually, it all just evaporated. It was so freeing.

I don't want you to get the idea that I'm a totally different person now. I still have a ton of work to do. I am jealous and insecure and the thought of my hubby fucking another woman in a hotel room and spending the night with her makes me crazy. BUT-----it's not about me. It's about HIM and his physical body and having physical needs met by another woman--- but I am not diminished by it. And if he falls in love with her, how could I stop him? Could I stop him from falling in love with her by demanding he stay away from her? How well does that work in traditionally monogamous marriages? It doesn't.

By demanding I be his one and only, I'm a toddler having a tantrum. "Don't look at other women. Don't touch them. Don't want them. You're MINE!" Jeez it sounds like kids fighting over a toy or the last cookie in the jar. Do you want to be treated that way? Of course not, and neither do I.

When my husband got home from work, thankfully the kids were in their rooms otherwise occupied so we had a little bit of time alone. He still seemed afraid of me, afraid to say anything at all. Afraid I'd attack him again with my venomous tongue. But we just hugged, so tightly, and I cried and sobbed, saying how sorry I was. He pet my hair, and cried too, and he asked me what had changed. I told him about my talk with my GF and that I vowed to get a therapist and work on my insecurity and jealousy. I told him it was MY fault, and that I was genuinely sorry.  He accepted, and I did tell him there was one thing I needed him to understand. That for his first time with another woman, it did seem too intimate. The whole 4 hour drive to see him, the dinner, the drinks, the entire night spend in a hotel room, AND since he changed hotels, 2 more hours with her in the morning. How intimate that appeared, and how threatening that was to me. He got it. I said, "even with Mickey, I have NEVER had an evening with anyone, followed by an entire night and morning together. Can you understand that?" and he said yes.

I said, "I could work up to that. But this wasn't you and her banging each other. This was a fucking date. You invited her, it was prearranged, and yes, I felt threatened." He nodded and agreed he could see my point. He told me time and again he doesn't have feelings for her other than a close friendship, and I said it's ok if he does, he just needs to be honest with me. Of course, before we can be honest with others, we have to be honest with ourselves. We promised we would take it slow and talk more as we proceed from here.

Anyway, we talked and talked, which was a miracle that the kids didn't interrupt. I began to cook dinner,  and he took out a bottle of wine and two pretty glasses. "Wine?" I asked him. He smiled. I smiled, and I knew we were going to be ok.

Oh, and we had sex. It was great.

WHEW! What a week.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


When my hubby got home from his business trip Thursday night, things were about as bad as they could get between us. It was late, kids were alseep (thankfully), and the look on his face when he came in the door said it all. Not only was I not ok, he was not ok. He was not happy, he was not empathetic, he was cold and angry. It was so scary. I didn't know what to say or what to do. He leaned in and gave me a small kiss and said hello. We went upstairs and without talking, brushed our teeth and got into bed. I lit a candle and we laid in the darkness.

For more than 2 hours we tried talking it out, but things just kept getting worse as we were going in circles. Neither one of us seemed to "get" the other. We were defensive, angry, hurt, exhausted. We both realized this was bigger than the both of us and we had a long way to go.

I kept saying it was the circumstances and the fact that I'd never said it turned me on him being alone with another woman. How did we go from zero to a 4-hour drive, drinks and dinner and an all-nighter???? How could I have possibly been ok with that? I apologized for saying one thing and meaning another, but after 21 years together, doesn't he know me better than that?? That I felt guilty for all the guys I'd been alone with and felt I had no right to say no? But that I WAS saying I wasn't ok with it. I'd said it all day long in all my texts. That I was waiting for him to "do the right thing". Without my telling him or influencing him.

To me, this wasn't about banging some chick and getting his rocks off, like I do. When I get together with some guy, it's an hour, maybe two, and he leaves or I come home. No dates, no all-nighters. I've never even spent the entire night with Mickey. It's an hour here, 1/2 an hour there. So can't he get that I'd be threatened by that???? Fucker!!!! Hello, are you listening???? Shit! He just couldn't get that. That was MY interpretation of events. His was, "she doesn't mean anything to me. I don't get guys like that (snap fingers) like you. This was my only chance. And who knows if I'd have even gone thru with it??? Now we'll never know."

True. I'll never know. But I couldn't take that chance because to me, it was too big. I really thought that's it, he does it, our marriage is over. Because he shouldn't have put himself (or me) in this position in the first place. I couldn't win once he'd invited her to drive to come see him (which he says he didn't. He "merely stated" that he would be in her state...give me a break!!!!)

After about two hours of yelling and accusations, we laid there silent. I bravely said, "I'm turned on. Are you?" he said no. I said, "So you could fuck her last night but not me tonight? That's nice." I was so pissed off. Well, he decided he'd better fuck me so he reached for me and we had ten minutes of the angriest sex we've ever had. We only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and that didn't help things in the light of day.

The next day was Mother's Day and it was my worst ever. Yes, he gave me a beautiful card, but it seemed contrite and insincere given the way he was acting. He seemed like he was pouting and that made me angrier. As if I'd promised him Disneyland and dropped him off at the dump instead. There was no sweetness, no humor, only coldness. I didn't even recognize this man I've spent the last 21 years with. He said he hadn't eaten since the dinner with her. Had lost 6 pounds. Wasn't even going to have a glass of wine anymore. He was turning into someone I didn't know. He was irritating me so much, I just wanted to slap him. I honestly didn't know where we were or where we were going.

Mother's Day night, he suggested a bath, and I took him up on it. He still refused to have any wine. I had some for him.  It was nice but very awkward. We couldn't even look each other in the eyes.

Slowly, we started to talk. I had a recollection that I thought was an important point. I had suddenly remembered something that happened about 3 months ago. Hubby was in another state where Rachel lived (a co-worker of his we had a 3sum with). And he was stuck due to weather just miles from her, and I clearly remember telling him to call her up and stay the night with her. I was actually turned on at the time. I obviously didn't feel threatened or I wouldn't have suggested it. He declined and got a hotel. Why did he decline? I don't know. He didn't say. And when I brought it up, he still didn't say.

So, to me, it showed me that maybe he has more feelings for this other girl than he's letting on. AND it confirms that it was the whole romantic-ness of this "date" with her was what was upsetting me. If he'd gone to spend the night with Rachel, it would've been MY idea, and it would've been more of a "bang" than a "date". He said he got that. He said he understood. But I think it was more of acquiesing than true understanding. That is where I'm stuck.

He is stuck at, "You said the D-word. I never thought we'd ever come to that." I said, "I don't know if I meant it. I was hysterical. I just knew I was angry at you." And of course I have apologized many many times. I've apologized for the mixed signals but can he understand that they weren't really mixed at all? But rather him hearing what he wanted to hear--"have sex with her and spare me the details." He got mad at that. I can see his point but still, to me it's crystal clear and it's really not about me and Mickey and our whole relationship needing to be re-thought and negotiated.

To me, it's this, and it's simple----he has never admitted to wanting to be alone with another woman. Now he did. He invited her, he wanted her, it was a date. This wasn't a simple sex romp. This was a DATE and I felt threatened. If he can't get that, and I mean REALLY get that, we do need to re-evaluate our relationship.

BTW I found a therapist. I do want to stay married and I know he does too. We have too much together to give it all up so easily.

Oh, and speaking of Mickey, haven't heard from him in about a week. Not even sure exactly how many days, and that's saying something. And I realize, I don't even miss him. He just doesn't give me what I need anymore. I have no desire to text him or call him. If I hear from him, fine. I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I just don't care.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The tables are turned---and I go insane

Yesterday was one of the hardest days ever for our marriage.  A true test for the fate of our 18-year-old vows.

My post from 2 days ago was about my husband getting his first opportunity to be alone with a woman. We have been "swinging" (God I hate that term! Makes me feel like a monkey!) for about 6 years, and as far as "hall passes", I've been given free reign as a Hotwife. The tables were turned, and I was having a really really really hard time with it.

The night I wrote that post, hubby (who was out of town for work), and I talked on the phone for about 2 hours, thrashing back and forth every nuance of the whole thing. I'm sure I drove him crazy, because I felt one thing and said another. I felt like I had no right to tell him what he could or couldn't do--after all, how many guys have I been with without him?? (too many to count, honestly) And I know her, I know she's like Mickey, loves us both and wouldn't want to do anything that would break us up. We were with her a few weekends ago. So, on paper, logically, she's the perfect person for him to have his first "hall pass" with, right? SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS MY FUCKING PROBLEM??????

Several things.

First of all, like I said in my previous post, I told him 6 years ago I wouldn't be ok if he did it. Yes, a double standard, but he said it turned him on and he encouraged it. He has found guys for me, taken pictures of me for other guys, even made videos for Mickey. He has encouraged me to go on the dating website, and has paid for plane tickets, encouraged me to text, talk, see whoever I want, whenever I want. Because it turned him on.

And this is the defining thing for me----the idea of him being alone with another woman has NEVER turned me on. The thought of him being naked and fucking her made me so nauseous and crazy I was a complete wreck. And all day yesterday, knowing she was driving 4 hours to come see him, thinking about him getting all horny for her was too much for me to bear. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't think. I almost crashed my car with my kids in it because I was so distracted.

I had to work too. A long shift. And with the time difference, I had to keep subtracting 2 hours from everything I was doing to imagine what they were doing. Had she arrived yet? Have you talked to her? Etc. And my hubby was wonderful, he did text me back immediately every time and told me everything.

But it only made it worse.

He 'd finished work, and actually changed hotels to be closer to the airport. So HE drove 2 hours, in MY mind, so he'd have MORE time with her in the morning. So he'd have a quicker drive to the airport.
Everything was adding up. He'd say, "oh no, that's not why, I will be closer so I can catch an earlier flight in the morning." yeah, right I thought. Nice try dude.

So I'm trying to take care of the kids, then had to go to work and worry WTF he's doing 1800 miles away. I know he wasn't cheating---it's not cheating if I know everything! But that didn't make it any easier.

She got lost. She was late. She showed up. They had wine. They were talking. Then they decided to go eat. That's when I had had enough. By this time, I had actually worked my entire shift, and had gotten kids in bed. It was nearly midnight my time, only 10 theirs, and I honestly couldn't take it another second. I grabbed a bottle of wine and some crackers, filled up the bathtub, and sent him a text that said, "I can't handle this. I don't want to hear any details. I'm turning my phone off." He obviously took that to mean, literally, that I would actually turn my phone off.  That I didn't want to hear from him? I did and I didn't. What I wanted to hear from him, he obviously wasn't going to say--which was, "don't worry honey, nothing's going to happen. We're just having a nice chat." (because he's always said he didn't want to lose her friendship). I wanted him to make the right decision without my influencing him. Didn't he know me by now??? We've been together a total of 21 years. Did he really think I was going to be ok with it? Or did he just want her so fucking badly he didn't care? So yeah. I turned off my phone. Because I knew he wasn't going to stop himself.

 I couldn't stand to imagine them naked and fucking. I thought, if he has sex with her, our marriage is over. I will never get over it. Just imaging them in bed together was agonizing.  For the next 2 hours, I sat in the tub sobbing.  I drank half a bottle of wine, and I was practically heaving. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was getting more and more nauseous and hysterical. Two fucking hours had passed. I had no idea WTF they were doing. I was hysterical.  Thank God for my kids---if it weren't for them, I'd probably have stayed in the tub, kept drinking, and slid under. I got out of the tub, dried off my hands, and turned my phone on. He hadn't even tried getting a hold of me. That hurt and fucking pissed me off.

The texts came rapid fire and from deep within me.

"I just want you to know I'm not ok."

"I can't do this."

"I'm sick. I can't take it."

"I guess u are having too much fun to read this."

And the one I knew would get to him--"WE are NOT ok."

Seconds later my phone rang. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to jump right out of my chest. I mumbled hello. He was clearly exasperated with me.

"What are you guys doing?" I demanded.

"We just came back to the room," he says. Yippee. I fucking literally caught them in the nick of time. Of course, I don't know if they were already naked, or whatever. He didn't say. I didn't ask. But he said he would "stop"  and talk to her and call me back.

An agonizing 30 minutes later, he finally calls me back. I tossed and turned in the dark wondering WTF they were doing. He said they went downstairs to the front desk and got her her own room.  He said he was alone now. We talked for about half an hour. I know he'd been drinking, and I had too, so we decided to just go to sleep and talk when he gets home.

I realized the gist of the whole thing is what I said at the beginning of this post---the idea of him alone with another woman has never turned me on. I have tolerated seeing him in 3sums but it bothers me. It's better because I am there, but i have to get so bloody drunk to do it. I'm wondering how solid our marriage is now.

The other thing is, and this is very important---we are supposed to be able to say, "I'm not ok with this", and the other person is supposed to accept it. Without having to feel defensive. It's called setting boundaries. It's the first fucking rule of swinging and open marriages. I thought we had it down, but obviously not. But here's the thing---how many times have I told him, "i'm not ok with it"?? And yes, he stopped, he did the right thing. But I'm fucking hurt and pissed off that it came to that. If I hadn't turned on my phone and had my little tantrum, they'd have spent the fucking whole night together. He told me so. So---guess this is more about hubby not being honest with me either.  I shouldn't have played mind games with him--"go ahead, have your fun, I just don't want to hear details". I should've said, 'Absolutely not. Do not let her drive there. I am not ok with it."

But I was feeling so guilty of all the guys I've been with, and felt it only right he should be allowed to do the same.

But the truth is, it doesn't turn me on. I felt threatened. I felt jealous. I literally went insane. I'm still a wreck. And when he said, "oh yeah, been there, done that", I was like, "WTF??? HUH??? You never once said it bothered you when I was with other guys!!!" and he was like, "well yeah!! duh!!" I said, "but you never once asked me to stop. Or asked me not to go. You've always encouraged me. Why do you do that if you felt the way I felt?" and he said, "cuz you wanted it and I didn't feel it was my right to stop you." FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Ok so this is all new to me. I had no idea.

So, 6 years of swinging and all, and we are acting like newbies. This is so fucked up.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The tables are turned.....and I'm kinda freaking out

My hubby's got his first opportunity to be alone with another girl tomorrow night. Being that he's fine with me being alone with guys makes me feel like I have no right getting upset at him doing the same thing--but I am kinda freaking out. I'm trying not to.

I clearly remember our conversation the very first time he encouraged me to spend the night alone with Mickey. I told him, "you know, I don't think I'd be okay if you did this. I honestly don't know how it is you're not only ok with this, but encouraging it." He assured me he was fine; it turned him on. Since that time, there hasn't been another woman he's wanted to be alone with, and he's actually not even admitting to me he wants to be alone with her.

To back up, we had a 3sum with her a few weekends ago. I know the two of them are attracted to one another, and I've kind of felt like, would you two just leave me out of it? Have your fun. I don't really want to watch or be involved. I was involved, and yes, it was hot, but my hubby didn't even take his underwear off. We were all drunk and had an early flight so he was just like, this is fun, let's stop here and not take a chance on ruining the friendship. I misunderstood and thought he was more into her than he was letting on, so he played it cool. He said no, too drunk, just fooling around was fun enough.

Well, he's in her state for work, and has a free night, and she wants to drive 4 hours to see him.



So he's in a tough spot now---he's gotta decide what to do.

I told him I'm a little unnerved she's willing to drive 4 hours to be with him.  Makes me uncomfortable.

But if it weren't so far, would I feel any differently?

Probably not.

I feel like I hold myself to a different standard. I can sleep with other guys but he can't sleep with other women? That's not fair. I know it's not.

I'm trying to act like I'm fine with it but I'm really not. It's obvious I feel threatened. I wish I didn't. I want him to feel the joy and excitement with a new partner, but I don't!! I feel like such a selfish bitch!!

I guess that's the hard part about swinging and an open marriage. It's giving permission to your spouse to have an affair. The difference is there's no lying, no cheating, no secrets. No sneaking around, cuz you're telling each other everything.  But that doesn't mean it's easy, or you don't care, or you don't get jealous.

Poor guy. I'm giving him mixed signals cuz I don't want to be the bitch that says no. Or, the bitch that can't forgive him afterward.