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Monday, June 27, 2011

Skype sex with a new hottie!

Hello my wonderful readers, I'm sorry it's been like 3 weeks since I've written. The kids are out of school for the summer and I can't get a moment's privacy! I like to write first thing in the morning when the coffee kicks in. I'm finally having some time to myself so of course my first thought is, BLOG!!!

Since I wrote last, I have not heard from either Jake OR Mickey. I have not tried to contact Jake--I'm leaving him 100% alone. His band will be playing a gig here this Friday! Hubby and I got tickets and we're going to see him. I'm determined to meet him after the gig face to face. Of course I know it will be awkward, especially with my hubby there, and I'm certain nothing will come of it, but you know me, I never do what I'm supposed to do. I'm sure I will get hurt again and wish I hadn't seen him, but I can't seem to help myself. I do miss him and I know he'll be polite at least.

I don't know what the fuck is up with Mickey. I don't know why he contacts me out of the blue, tells me he misses me, and then disappears. It's as if he's off the face of the planet. He isn't online, he isn't texting or answering his phone when I call. I know he said he was struggling when he texted last, and he'd mentioned getting rid of his phone. He's got a good job--I can't imagine why he can't afford Internet or his phone. SO.......I assume he doesn't want to talk to me again. He makes me crazy. But the good thing is, I don't obsess over him anymore. It is REALLY a relief. I can stand back and say, well, there goes Mickey, doing his crazy thing again, playing cat and mouse, and not take it personally. Whether or not he responds to my texts, or says what I need him to say, do NOT dictate my moods anymore. It is such a relief.
The best cure for heartbreak is a new guy, and I had this really cute blonde 19 year old writing me on my dating website. I hadn't written him since I was all caught up in Jake. He was persistent though, and I was ripe for a new lover, so I wrote him back. He gave me his phone number and we started texting. What I loved most about Danny is that he always texted back immediately!! And I decided I'd play harder to get....I seem to keep getting attached too easily and so decided to let him court me. I just adore him. The best part was, he did what no other guy, even Jake, would do---for example, I was at work one day, and I got a text from him that said he was in his (college) physics class and was thinking about me! How wonderful is THAT???!! I enjoyed that so so much. He went on to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, can't wait to get me naked, etc. and we sent sexy pics to each other. While he's sitting in class! That was so fun. OH! And I forgot to mention he's an Abercrombie model! He said his picture is up in their stores all over the country! (guess who's going to the mall soon!)

He lives near Jake in the big city, and wanted to scope me out before he drove out here, so he asked if I had Skype. I didn't, but it was easy to get on there and before I knew it, there he was! OMG what a fucking hottie! He's a swimmer, and he took off his pants and boxers, right there on camera, and put his speedo on! OMG he's hung like a horse and gorgeous to boot. Of course it got very nasty after that--he began stroking himself and of course I started teasing him and took of my clothes one at a time for him too. It was so fun--unlike yahoo messenger, you don't have to type to talk to each other, you just talk! So we got along great. Before the clothes came off we chatted for about an hour, and before I knew it, he'd made himself cum all over himself, and it was 3 am!! We'd been online for three hours! It was awesome. He giggled afterward, and we both agreed we'd passed the test for attractiveness! So, we made plans for him to possibly come see me in two days, last Friday. I told him I'd get a hotel room. We said our goodnights with sexy plans to do all those nasty things in person.

I haven't heard from him since.

WTF here we go again??? What did I do wrong???

I knew he had plans to go to Magic Mountain with a buddy. He'd told me right up when we were Skyping, and who knows, maybe that was just a lie.  So he texted me Friday afternoon, simply, "hey, I am really not going to be able to make it up tonight sorry :(" I responded, It's ok sexy man! I kinda figured since ur having a big day lol". no response. Later that same night I wrote, "I hope we can meet soon" no response. The next morning I wrote, "HI sexy man", still nothing.

Hmmm so it's been a whole weekend and not a peep out of him. WTF I guess I messed up again.

So back to square one.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Another one bites the dust--and Mickey sniffs around again

About 3 days after our sexy weekend,  Jake stopped texting me. I don't know what I did wrong. Here we go again. Same situation, different guy. WTF!?!?!?! I'm so sick of this.  GUYS LISTEN UP OUT THERE----TELL US THE TRUTH.

Or give us a gentle lie. Here are the reasons I've come up with why Jake doesn't want anything to do with me again:

1. He's found someone else. (she's younger, cuter, funnier, dresses better, etc.)
2. He's starting to fall for me and it can't go anywhere cuz I'm married
3. I said something I shouldn't have (told him I missed him)
4. I did something I shouldn't have (texted him)
5. He saw me as a piece of ass. (and I saw him as something more)

There are a lot more choices but they're so pathetic I can't bring myself to write them. It's bad enough how much I've beaten myself up over it. I have been in a funk ever since. I can't even listen to music lately--every song just seems to get on my nerves.

Here's what I know--like a detective trying to solve a case--he told me I was the best he'd ever had. He said it sincerely. (he's only 18---I believed him!) And as great as the sex was, it was the way he held me all night long that did it for me. I've never been with a guy that liked to cuddle all night long the way he did. It was tender. It wasn't a 'wham-bam-thank you ma'am" at all.

I bought tickets to see his band in concert. We were chatting about it. Then he stopped texting. I didn't think anything of it. Then a day later, I wrote, "the weather is so dreary today--wish I was back in bed with you :)". No response. I waited a WEEK to text back! (I was so proud of myself!) I wrote, simply, "Hi sexy". No response. I waited about 10 hours, then wrote, "I miss you...are we ok?" still no response.

The next day I composed myself and wrote, "Hi Jake, hey I don't know if your phone isn't working or you just don't want to talk to me. So I just want you to know I'm glad I met you. You made me feel things no one has ever made me feel." Then, "You opened up my heart and I was starting to really feel something for you. I honestly hope to see you again." I thought, and waited, no response. 15 min later my closing statement--"And I wish I knew what you were thinking. When I drove away I thought things were fine."

That was a week ago.

I've cried so much over him, it really caught me by surprise. I realize the good that's come out of it, and I don't regret him at all. I am completely over Mickey, who, by the way, texted me at 6 am today out of the blue. Said he misses me like hell. I think he fell asleep cuz he stopped texting but the difference is I DON'T HONESTLY CARE ANYMORE. It's a great feeling. I'm free from Mickey. I don't think he can hurt me again. I'm too wrapped up in Jake.

I guess it's not Jake I miss so much, he's merely the messenger. I got the best sex of my life, and I felt loved. For that night, I was loved. He loved me the only way he knows how, with his body. He can't give me any more. And I want more. Nearly 20 years I've been married, and I got something from someone else I've never had. It was amazing.

My self-esteem has taken such a beating though. I can't help but pick apart everything I said, looking for the "deal breaker", as Dr. Phil would say. Something I said, or did, caused him to say or feel, "that's a deal breaker. I'm done with her." BUT WTF WAS IT?????

I swear, whatever I've thought of can't be worse than what it was. I know I didn't fart. I'm a great lover. He told me so. We had 2 amazing nights together. I know he was smitten with me. He told me he told his friends about me. So, where did it all go wrong??

Well, I'll probably never know.

But I have a new fantasy.

His band is going on tour. They have 17 gigs this month. I am NOT texting him (not even tempted actually--I can't take being ignored). We have tickets to his concert July 1st. I"m going to look amazing, and go up to see him afterward. He will be happy to see me, I know he will. And who knows--he may get lonely on tour. He told me he's not excited about being cooped up with his bandmates in dinky motel rooms for a month.

I'm going to give him a chance to miss me. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. If I was truly the best he'd ever had, and if he was getting feelings for me too, he will miss me. And he will contact me. If not, I will just show up after his concert and say hi.  Maybe he will be wondering, as he sits alone in those motel rooms, "did she buy tickets? Is she coming to see me?" and maybe, just maybe, he'll text me. I'm hoping he will. It's my favorite fantasy, I think about it constantly.

And at 7:45 am today (5:45 Mickey's time), I was dropping my daughter off at school when I got a text. From Mickey. It's been since May 20th since I last heard from him. Took him 3 weeks to miss me, but miss me he does. I was happy to see his name pop up on my screen. I just sat and looked at it, and smiled. We wrote back and forth for about 15 min and then he stopped texting. At least this time I don't really care if he writes back or not. I absolutely love how he doesn't have the power to hurt me right now. Does this mean I'm really over him??? After 6 years?? Yes, I think it does. And it's a wonderful feeling. I can enjoy his attention but I don't need it anymore.

I'm back on the dating website, and I'm juggling like 6 guys right now. Not that I want to. It's that they show interest, we exchange pics, and 90% of them turn out to look nothing like their profile pics, or they live too far, or "how about next week?" so whatever. Right now really the only one I want to hear from is Jake but it ain't happening, so I'm looking for my next lover.

I'll let you know what Mickey does next. I invited him to come visit me. I'm not holding my breath.