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Friday, January 11, 2013

Jake's back!

Totally out of the blue and back in my life. Jake texts me every day. Sends me sexy pics and cute face and full body pics (in clothes). I feel like I'm his girlfriend. He says the sweetest things. He is amazing. We had a date for tonight--he said since I drove to Chicago to see him the last two times he'd drive here to see me. This is what he said: "I will absolutely drive out to you baby. You drove here twice for me. You can bring your hubby if you like." WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But hubby and me had a bad night last night. Read the other blog if you want details. Suffice it to say, I cancelled my date with Jake and just told him I had to work late (partially true). I re-read what I'd written about our first night together just now and I really hope we can get together soon.

BTW did I mention my H found a girl he wants to have sex with (threesome) on AFF? She's really adorable. I may really be ok with this.


Monday, January 7, 2013

Pointing out the obvious

This post is in response to Anonymous' scathing attack on me and my blog. Ordinarily I'd just ignore it but I thought it a good idea to point out the similarities and differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors. Now, this is not an academic piece. I did not spend hours getting stats and evidence to support my opinions. These are based solely on my own experience, and like I mentioned before, my BFF who I will go into detail a little bit more.

She (I'll call her Betty) is 52. She was born in Indonesia and came to America as a toddler. She married at 18 and had cervical cancer at age 21 and was told she could never have children. Surprisingly she found herself pregnant with identical twin girls at age 34. She seemed to have an almost idyllic life. We were best friends; I was also pregnant with my first child soon after and we lived less than a mile from each other. Our husbands travelled with their jobs and we spent all our time together, helping each other raise our kids. She basically raised the twins alone as her husband was gone so much. 

Fast forward to five years ago. The twins were now 14 years old and Betty and her husband had been married thirty years. She had moved many times for his job and started over. The owned their business together and she was very involved in the company. She wasn't completely happy over the timespan but she is a very religious Christian and believes in staying married and working things out. A routine mammogram showed her to have stage 4 breast cancer in her right breast. She started chemotherapy to try to reduce the tumor to save her breast. Two days after her first chemo treatment, her husband said, "I'm outta here", and moved in with his administrative assistant. Yes, this "woman" she considered to be her friend and co-worker was fucking her husband. 

HE LEFT HER WHILE SHE WAS UNDERGOING CHEMO. AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. Not only that, but her daughters went to live with him and never returned to her. They are 19 now. He has turned them against her. He actually told them she had "fake cancer" just to manipulate him into giving her money (alimony).

Long long story short, she is now a 5-year cancer-free survivor. She has a cute one-bedroom apartment in California 3 miles from the beach and has an awesome job and boyfriend. She has turned her life around 1000% percent. I have been through hell and back with her and she with me. She is the one who made the parallel between cancer and infidelity since she has gone through both!! She discovered her husband had been cheating on her with her co-worker for more than a year prior to getting cancer. She also was able to find evidence of cheating that went back 10-15 years. 

In my experience (and through the friendship with Betty) here are a few of the similarities between cancer and infidelity:

1. You never forget the day you found out.
2. The date, the time of day, that moment is etched in your brain and heart forever and on its anniversary, you re-live the pain all over again. Forever.
3. You didn't ask for cancer or to be betrayed. You did nothing to cause it.
4. You know in your head it's not your fault but you can't  help but feel you did something to cause it. (My friend thinks all the Diet Cokes she drank to stay thin caused her cancer and I think if I had been a better wife/paid closer attention/fill-in-the-blank he wouldn't have cheated).
5. We get PTSD from the trauma. 
6. We get depressed. We withdraw from others to cope.
7. We believe we will die every day as we try to recover.
8. The triggers are everywhere. When you are having a good day, there's always a trigger to set you back. Betty tells me she hates the month of October with all the "breast cancer awareness" everywhere. She can't escape the horror and is reminded constantly, and of course, feels badly about it because at least people care and are trying to raise money for something she has suffered from. With infidelity, the triggers are everywhere as well. Our traumas often happened in our homes. Movies glorify affairs. Sometimes, the person who betrayed us leaves us and we are continually traumatized.
9. We feel so differently about ourselves. We lose self-esteem.
10. We are never really "cured". We can't stop looking over our shoulders for it to happen again.
11. It changes us forever. We talk about our lives as "BC"--before cancer and "BI"--before "it" (infidelity).
12. The pain is excruciating. 
13. We either die or get better. 

Differences:

1. With infidelity, our scars can't be seen. With cancer, they can. Betty had a bilateral breast removal.
2. With cancer, you tell everyone. Everyone sympathizes. No one brings soup to an infidelity survivor. We cope alone.
3. There are no fund raisers for victims of infidelity.
4. Chemo causes hair loss. I didn't lose my hair. Huge difference.
5. Admitting we are vicitms of infidelity is shameful. Admitting you have cancer isn't.
6. No one would ever accuse a cancer victim of being "self-indulgent" and "narcissitic".

Again, this is not all-inclusive. Again, this is not an academic piece. This is based on my own experiences and that of my friend Betty who's dealt with both. As you can see, off the top of my head, I came up with half as many differences as similarities. 

My point Mr. Anonymous (I'm assuming you are a male now, because I can't imagine a female with that kind of hatred and apathy) is that you have not displayed any kind of experience that validates your venom. If I am wrong, and either cancer or infidelity has touched you PERSONALLY, I encourage you to share your experiences with us here so we can better understand your position. If not, I encourage you to keep your mouth shut.











Thursday, January 3, 2013

Random shit

I made a realization yesterday writing a new post for my other blog. I realized that THIS blog is written FOR YOU DEAR READERS. It has always been for YOU. My other blog has been only for ME, up until the first reader started commenting on my posts and how much I was helping her. We live thousands of miles away from each other and sadly will most likely never meet, but we have become close friends. Going through the trauma of infidelity has bonded us forever, and we help and support each other. I'll bet it's akin to the bond cancer survivors have with one another; thankfully I wouldn't know first-hand but my BFF is a 5-year breast cancer survivor and I see how she instantly bonds with other cancer survivors. The biggest differences between cancer survivors and infidelity survivors are first of all, they aren't ashamed to tell the whole world their triumphant story of survival. We are. I am extremely careful deciding who I can tell and who I can't. It is extremely shameful and social support for infidelity survivors is next to nill. Are there any fundraisers to help prevent infidelity? Hmmm, um, NO. Do you see a color devoted to the prevention and support of those affected by infidelity?? Again, no. 5K runs? T-shirts? No. But yet there is much in common between those affected by cancer and those affected by a spouse or significant other's infidelity.

Sorry to digress. My point is that in sharing our pain, not just our happiness, we bond with others. I have bonded more with you over my pain than the fun sex I'd been having. I am certain that the moment a person hears her doctor say, "It's cancer" has the same devastating effect as when infidelity is discovered or revealed. My BFF and I discuss it at length and she agrees it is equally devastating, or more so with infidelity. Sadly, she has suffered both, so she has become an unwitting expert on both topics.

I realized that the purpose of this blog has always been to entertain, and my other blog was to help myself heal. I didn't expect anyone else to ever read it; it has helped me keep my sanity and get to where I am now. I have always been aware that my lifestyle is titillating and secretive, and that's what made it so fun to write and share the details with you. I had no idea the sex stories about me and certain females were actually skanks that my husband had had affairs with. Discovering this nearly sent me to the loony bin. Naturally, I deleted those posts. I was physically ill just doing so. I was forced to look at the words I'd written, the sex I'd had with them, and the way my husband had lied and manipulated me into doing so. It was more than I could bear.

The so-called "anti-versary" of D-Day #1 is coming up in a few weeks. Just four days shy of my birthday. I have dreaded this day and the other D-day anti-versaries coming up. I had told my H (husband) that I was planning on going back to California and seeing my BFF to get through it. He has begged me not to. He said he'll take the day off to be with me. He said that even though it's not a day to celebrate, in a way it is to HIM, because we are still together, and he is eternally grateful to me for giving him a second chance. I have decided I will not go to California to run away from it.

We have been getting along very very well. I have gone on a half-dosage of my PTSD meds (Setraline, 25 mg from 50 mg) and although I haven't lost a pound, I am very relieved my obsessiveness hasn't returned like it did the first time I tried to reduce the dosage.

With a new year now, like most people, I always make resolutions, and I can never stick with them. I have found out that I probably have adult ADHD and am going in for testing next week! It explains so much about me that I don't like about myself and have been unable to fix my whole life. I stumbled across information about it just going online and pun intended, was distracted by a byline about "adult ADHD" and clicked on it. Like a huge fucking lightbulb going off!!! So just knowing this is probably true about me, I am instantly being more kind and compassionate with myself. Just cleaning my house, my desk, the laundry, it is all overwhelming to me and now I know why!! So I am doing so much better and feeling better about myself.

If you've read this far, you will be happy to read that this post does have sex in it!! YAY!!!

I have spent a lot of time with my BF Allen lately. Did I mention he is gorgeous???? And he's 27 years old!!!! About 6-2, long straight blonde hair (about chin length), blue eyes, sexy body. And he seems to like me. We just had our one-year anniversary! And remember, for about 6 months of it, we had nothing to do with each other because of the separation and problems with my marriage. He waited for me! Actually saw no one else the whole time. He came to the last 2 band performances we did. New Year's Even he rode in my car with me and stayed the entire show! He helped carry in equipment and we also got drunk together in between sets. He is a doll. He came home with me and we had a short but fun romp in the guest room bed, where my hubby secretly watched from the doorway without him knowing. It was awesome! But the problem is, he didn't cum, and neither did I. Once again, no orgasms. WTF???? He does have a smallish cock but it used to cum just nicely so I don't know what's going on. I am getting bored and annoyed and looking for a new boytoy.

I am off to therapy, and no, I have not told my therapist about my seeing another guy. He is of the clear mind that neither my H nor I are healthy enough or stable enough to handle having other people in our marriage and he is probably right, and I don't want to hear it. I know that's bad, but believe it or not, I'm fucked up enough in so many other ways, we have PLENTY to talk about and work on that has nothing to do with fucking other guys.

(A private note to "Anonymous" here--I didn't get to respond the way I wanted to, but just know that I agree with you now about anger and the one-year mark. I will write to you soon.)

I hope everyone reading this has a great year, and you can do that by BEING HONEST with yourself and everyone around you ALL THE TIME. Secrets kill. Live honestly or die in your lies, but don't make anyone else suffer for your sins.

Goodbye 2012, it was the shittiest year of my life. Here's hoping 2013 continues to be better.