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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Does anyone believe in "happily ever after" anymore??

Good morning sexies!

My brain has been working overtime. I think I had a lightbulb moment yesterday driving home from the gym. Seems those endorphins really were pumping full time! I need your feedback on this everyone.

Ok. So I have been thinking a lot about my sitch, and of course, my spectacularly sexy boyfriend who I haven't been with in months and months but whos' re-entered the picture. Here's the deal--tell me your opinion on this please! I am on my way to tennis but I have to get this down. I'll elaborate more when I get a chance but here's the deal: I want to know if you think that marriage is an outdated institution. Seriously! Now that I've been cheated on, and I thought I had the most amazing marriage ever, I can't help but go back to the original idea that marriage really can't work for most people. And even those steadfast people who have been together 20, 30, 40, 5-+ years--are they REALLY happy??? How many couples have been infected with infidelity??? 

I get invited to weddings all the time and I have always loved going to weddings. I am a true romantic and I have always believed in the Cinderella "happily ever after". NOT ANYMORE.
It is a cruel, cruel blow to the psyche to realize that there really is no such thing. People say it's akin to finding out there's no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I can't really comment on that because I was raised Jewish so only the tooth fairy was something I believed in and I remember I thought it was sweet and actually quite relieved that it was my mom and not some creepy bug flying in my room, somehow carrying quarters and stealing my teeth. I spent way too many sleepless nights wondering how it was going to get in my room, and how was a bug able to carry coins? And what did this fairy DO with all my (and millions of other kids') teeth?? Frankly it creeped me out.

In my marriage, we went from monogamy to swinging to polyamory, and I thought we had the best fucking marriage ever. I thought we had figured out the key to a life-long partnership. I thought we had 100% honesty and could deal head-on with jealousy and talk about anything. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that it was only me that was able to be this way?? My husband had already cheated on me when he suggested we become swingers. Now many of you don't get the whole, "how can it be cheating if you agree to see other people??" and I have answered that question many times and will again another day. It is a very important question and you are wise to ask it. For "vanilla" couples/singles, it is the first question they ask.

I REALLY want to know how many of you think marriage, in all its shapes and forms (and ESPECIALLY MONOGAMOUS marriages)is just not something that can last forever. I would like to see a study done of how many people can stay married and 1. not cheat and 2. be TRULY happy for the long term. I have seen so few marriages that meet this criteria, I think that the traditional marriage of "happily ever after" is a fucking dinosaur.

I'll give you an example--my parents have been married 54 years. I know that they are great friends and I remember seeing them hug and kiss in the kitchen when we were little kids and they didn't know we were watching. I also have many memories of the "D" word getting kicked around when my dad lost his job and never re-gained his career. There was a lot of screaming and yelling (all my mom, belittling him) and I remember when I was going through my divorce, she was cheating on him with a guy she worked with. Now, my mom was a virgin when she married my dad in 1955 so surprise-surprise she was curious what it would be like with someone else. She said it never got past "heavy petting" (GAWD she actually used those words!!!!!!) but still, she snuck out with this guy and they made out in his truck many, many times. Now my mom is suffering dementia and my dad couldn't hear a freight train if it went through their living room, but he dotes on her and she has a permanent smile pasted on her face. They are happy.

I don't know folks. I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. I need to know what you guys think. Single people too. Tell me what you've seen in your parents, your uncles and aunts' marriages, your grandparents. Your own marriages. I want to know if ANYONE has stayed together and not cheated and been happy. I think it's so fucking rare, and it always has been. I don't think this is a 21st century problem.

Love you all, gotta run. 


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Monogamy sucks!

Jeez has it really been three months since I've written a post here? God I'm so sorry my sexy friends. My life really hasn't been very exciting in so long and I have always been 100% honest on here. I'm not going to start making shit up just so I have something to post. If it ain't happening, I'm not writing about it. Sad. It sucks.

My sexy boyfriend Allen still texts me from time to time. He's amazing. He refuses to date anyone but me, and I'm SO off the radar right now. I don't know if I'll ever have sex with him (or anyone but my hubby) ever again. We are in such a weird state with our marriage right now. I'm not really liking it. I miss how my boyfriends used to make me feel so sexy. I have gained a few pounds (I'm about 128 and at 5-2, I need to be at least 120) so I'm not happy about that. I have gained a lot of muscle now that I'm boxing, so that's good. I look pretty toned and solid; I'm really hoping I'll get that sexy core that I see in pics of sexy female boxers. I love boxing; it makes me feel so strong and sexy and let me tell you, there ain't nothing like finding out your husband's cheated on you with three women to feel like shit about yourself. I have definitely lost my mojo. I feel like I'm really trying to put myself back together again, but there are pieces missing so I have to create a new me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

When I left my first husband (23 years ago after a brief marriage without kids) I never went through this whole "redefining myself" thing. I wanted out. It wasn't easy leaving him only because I was so used to clinging to someone for survival, even if they were abusing me because I didn't know how to be alone.
I did rather well rather quickly; it was so nice to not have to feel like everything I did was wrong for once in my life. I blossomed. I did change my name; but mostly because I was so disgusted that I allowed myself to be abused and was afraid he'd come after me. I also thought if I changed my name, I'd become someone else. I didn't really; it was actually hard to change my name and embarrassing cuz people were like, "okaaaaaay...."

So I've been this new name for 23 years now and sometimes it's still weird. I've got to reinvent myself again. I totally get it now when I read about celebrities "reinventing" themselves. I've done it before and now I've got to do it again. Because there comes a time when what you've been doing isn't working anymore, and big changes are what's needed to fix the problems. 

I miss the sex with other guys. I miss Jake the most; he's touring with his band and I love knowing he's thinking of me. In my most narcissistic moments I read the words to his bands' songs and wonder if the ones about "missing the one that got away" I always secretly hope it's about me. I know he does a lot of the songwriting and it's exciting knowing that he absolutely crazy about me. Did I mention he is barely 19 years old???

Did you like the sexy pics of my men?? I miss them!!!! I miss my LA model/actor boy too....we did some nasty things together on Skype about a year ago and damn I wish I could've recorded it.....

Sigh. I just don't know where it's all headed.

Tarot anyone?